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The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It, Stopping It, Surviving It by Leslie Vernick
joyouslovesunshine's review against another edition
5.0
Every Christian should read this book as a starting place to understanding abuse, toxic relationships and narcissism.
ina_bo's review against another edition
4.0
Opened my eyes to many issues that aren't really normal.
perilous1's review against another edition
5.0
"Too many individuals have been wrongly instructed that biblical love means they must be "nice," and suffer quietly--even if they are mistreated and abused. But as C.S. Lewis wisely wrote, 'Love is more stern and splendid than mere kindness.'"
Vernick blends comprehensive counseling terminology and observational anecdotes with biblical principles in this guide-like piece of invaluable non-fiction. Her tone is conversationally warm, patiently empathetic, and consistently firm.
I found this book SO helpful. I'd go so far as to recommend it as a sort of emotional intelligence primer--particularly for Christians, churches, and anyone in a ministry position. I know it would have saved me a lot of heartache and trouble if I'd read it in my teens or early adulthood.
"Contrary to what destructive people will say, the most loving thing we can do for them is hold them accountable for their actions. This indeed may cost us sacrifice and suffering. We do this not only for our benefit but with the hope that as we draw a line in the sand and say "no more" they will wake up to their own sinfulness and repent."
I very much appreciated that the author regularly encourages readers not only to view others through a more emotionally cognizant lens... but also themselves. There's no shortage of self-checks here--giving the opportunity for introspection and evaluation of one's own methods and motives. (Vernick rightly makes no assumptions about anyone being immune from being emotionally abusive.)
I also appreciated that the author didn't naively shy away from calling out evil for what it is... while equipping readers on how to discern between merely damaged destructive people and people with truly malevolent intent. She also seems to acknowledge where that line sometimes gets blurry.
"It can be extremely difficult to discern evil hearts because their intention is to look good, not be good."
The author offers a solid outline for effectively confronting someone who has caused you emotional harm:
1. Try to use language that doesn't attack the other person, but rather states the problem with the other person's behavior or attitudes. (example: "I feel hurt that you're not hearing me right now, Ann,' rather than...'you never listen.')
2. Seek a mutually good time. (Proverbs 29:20)"
3. Watch your body language and voice tone. (i.e. Remain neutral.)
4. Listen to another perspective, if the person offers one. (Allow them to share their feelings, but don't get sidetracked or debate feelings.)"
"Test the other person. See how he responds to you when you don't give him what he wants. If you don't see consistent changes in the way he thinks, acts, and interacts with you and others, don't for a minute believe his words or his profuse tears. (Proverbs 26:23-24) Jesus said, "Produce fruit in keeping with repentance." (Matthew 3:8.)"
If I could change anything about this book, it would be to suggest that its clear and concise definitions for different types of abuse be placed at the beginning of the book rather than the end. Perhaps the intent was to ease certain people (unwitting abusers?) into realization as they go, rather than scare them off at the start. But I think the orienting effect of said definitions would have been a great help to the vast majority of readers.
Favorite Quote:
"Someone once said that we are what we are not because of what happens to us, but because of what we do with what happens to us. My friend, choose to do good with what's happened to you, and you will be better for it."
Vernick blends comprehensive counseling terminology and observational anecdotes with biblical principles in this guide-like piece of invaluable non-fiction. Her tone is conversationally warm, patiently empathetic, and consistently firm.
I found this book SO helpful. I'd go so far as to recommend it as a sort of emotional intelligence primer--particularly for Christians, churches, and anyone in a ministry position. I know it would have saved me a lot of heartache and trouble if I'd read it in my teens or early adulthood.
"Contrary to what destructive people will say, the most loving thing we can do for them is hold them accountable for their actions. This indeed may cost us sacrifice and suffering. We do this not only for our benefit but with the hope that as we draw a line in the sand and say "no more" they will wake up to their own sinfulness and repent."
I very much appreciated that the author regularly encourages readers not only to view others through a more emotionally cognizant lens... but also themselves. There's no shortage of self-checks here--giving the opportunity for introspection and evaluation of one's own methods and motives. (Vernick rightly makes no assumptions about anyone being immune from being emotionally abusive.)
I also appreciated that the author didn't naively shy away from calling out evil for what it is... while equipping readers on how to discern between merely damaged destructive people and people with truly malevolent intent. She also seems to acknowledge where that line sometimes gets blurry.
"It can be extremely difficult to discern evil hearts because their intention is to look good, not be good."
The author offers a solid outline for effectively confronting someone who has caused you emotional harm:
1. Try to use language that doesn't attack the other person, but rather states the problem with the other person's behavior or attitudes. (example: "I feel hurt that you're not hearing me right now, Ann,' rather than...'you never listen.')
2. Seek a mutually good time. (Proverbs 29:20)"
3. Watch your body language and voice tone. (i.e. Remain neutral.)
4. Listen to another perspective, if the person offers one. (Allow them to share their feelings, but don't get sidetracked or debate feelings.)"
"Test the other person. See how he responds to you when you don't give him what he wants. If you don't see consistent changes in the way he thinks, acts, and interacts with you and others, don't for a minute believe his words or his profuse tears. (Proverbs 26:23-24) Jesus said, "Produce fruit in keeping with repentance." (Matthew 3:8.)"
If I could change anything about this book, it would be to suggest that its clear and concise definitions for different types of abuse be placed at the beginning of the book rather than the end. Perhaps the intent was to ease certain people (unwitting abusers?) into realization as they go, rather than scare them off at the start. But I think the orienting effect of said definitions would have been a great help to the vast majority of readers.
Favorite Quote:
"Someone once said that we are what we are not because of what happens to us, but because of what we do with what happens to us. My friend, choose to do good with what's happened to you, and you will be better for it."
tanjalunney's review against another edition
challenging
emotional
informative
inspiring
reflective
slow-paced
5.0
The Emotionally Desteuctive Relationship is a great tool for both pastors, counselors, and people seeking wisdom on relational and emotional health. Vernick breaks down what an emotionally destructive relationship is and how to identify one. She then gives wise tools to empower those enduring a destructive relationship the power to protect themselves and set healthy boundaries. The last section about surviving are tools to help see yourself as Christ see's you, destroying the lies of the enemy, and steps toward a healthy life.
I cannot rave about this book enough. It took me a while to read because I needed time to process. Many self help books talk about the problem but rarely give a solution. The Emotionally Destructive Relationship, addresses the problem and empowers you for change. It is very well executed and a must read for those in positions of leadership and those have endured toxic relationships alike. I have a deep appreciation that everything is brought back to scripture while still addressing psychology and counseling strategies. It helped me tremendously in my healing journey.
I cannot rave about this book enough. It took me a while to read because I needed time to process. Many self help books talk about the problem but rarely give a solution. The Emotionally Destructive Relationship, addresses the problem and empowers you for change. It is very well executed and a must read for those in positions of leadership and those have endured toxic relationships alike. I have a deep appreciation that everything is brought back to scripture while still addressing psychology and counseling strategies. It helped me tremendously in my healing journey.
literati42's review against another edition
4.0
Read this for my practicum training. It was lovely and powerful. Definitely gave me a good bit of insight into my clients and into life
lisagray68's review against another edition
5.0
I met Leslie Vernick at a conference this year and have been meaning to read this book. Recently I started seeing a new client and she mentioned this book, so we decided to read it together. This book is an EXCELLENT Biblical resource for people in emotionally destructive relationships. It's a great resource for those who think they MUST stay in a relationship because otherwise God won't be happy with them. But not only that, it shows you how you could even thrive in this situation. I really liked it, and will read more of her stuff.