"Too many individuals have been wrongly instructed that biblical love means they must be "nice," and suffer quietly--even if they are mistreated and abused. But as C.S. Lewis wisely wrote, 'Love is more stern and splendid than mere kindness.'"

Vernick blends comprehensive counseling terminology and observational anecdotes with biblical principles in this guide-like piece of invaluable non-fiction. Her tone is conversationally warm, patiently empathetic, and consistently firm.

I found this book SO helpful. I'd go so far as to recommend it as a sort of emotional intelligence primer--particularly for Christians, churches, and anyone in a ministry position. I know it would have saved me a lot of heartache and trouble if I'd read it in my teens or early adulthood.

"Contrary to what destructive people will say, the most loving thing we can do for them is hold them accountable for their actions. This indeed may cost us sacrifice and suffering. We do this not only for our benefit but with the hope that as we draw a line in the sand and say "no more" they will wake up to their own sinfulness and repent."

I very much appreciated that the author regularly encourages readers not only to view others through a more emotionally cognizant lens... but also themselves. There's no shortage of self-checks here--giving the opportunity for introspection and evaluation of one's own methods and motives. (Vernick rightly makes no assumptions about anyone being immune from being emotionally abusive.)

I also appreciated that the author didn't naively shy away from calling out evil for what it is... while equipping readers on how to discern between merely damaged destructive people and people with truly malevolent intent. She also seems to acknowledge where that line sometimes gets blurry.

"It can be extremely difficult to discern evil hearts because their intention is to look good, not be good."

The author offers a solid outline for effectively confronting someone who has caused you emotional harm:

1. Try to use language that doesn't attack the other person, but rather states the problem with the other person's behavior or attitudes. (example: "I feel hurt that you're not hearing me right now, Ann,' rather than...'you never listen.')

2. Seek a mutually good time. (Proverbs 29:20)"

3. Watch your body language and voice tone. (i.e. Remain neutral.)

4. Listen to another perspective, if the person offers one. (Allow them to share their feelings, but don't get sidetracked or debate feelings.)"

"Test the other person. See how he responds to you when you don't give him what he wants. If you don't see consistent changes in the way he thinks, acts, and interacts with you and others, don't for a minute believe his words or his profuse tears. (Proverbs 26:23-24) Jesus said, "Produce fruit in keeping with repentance." (Matthew 3:8.)"

If I could change anything about this book, it would be to suggest that its clear and concise definitions for different types of abuse be placed at the beginning of the book rather than the end. Perhaps the intent was to ease certain people (unwitting abusers?) into realization as they go, rather than scare them off at the start. But I think the orienting effect of said definitions would have been a great help to the vast majority of readers.

Favorite Quote:

"Someone once said that we are what we are not because of what happens to us, but because of what we do with what happens to us. My friend, choose to do good with what's happened to you, and you will be better for it."