just_one_more_paige's reviews
1500 reviews

 

I have had this book on my TBR list, and my own personal bookshelf, for years. It's chonky, which does mean I need to be ready for it (mood-reading and motivation vibes all in a row).Then, I put it off until the series was fully published, because you know I'm not a fan of a cliffhanger with no end in sight. So, just in case, I waited. And then, as per usual, time got away from me and now, finally, is the moment. A long moment - because this was not a particularly fast reading experience - but a great one! 

 

Ren is a con artist, come (back) to Nadežra with her sister, Tess, with the goal of tricking one of the city's oldest, but currently in decline, noble families. They're spent years setting up for this, in the hopes of securing their futures and leaving behind the tragedy and struggles of their pasts. But as she's drawn into the elite world of House Traementis, she realizes her masquerade is just one of many, and the "game," as it were, is much bigger and more dangerous than she'd thought. With other rising stars manipulating for influence, the aristocrats that rule the city in delicate power balances with the native population (Ren's own people...sort of), a mysterious vigilante, friends and nightmares from Ren's past that (for good and bad) will not stay on the past, the lyrid dangers of the underbelly of the city that Ren knows too well, magic weaving through the City of Dreams blurring the lines between awake/reality and nightmare/other worlds, and Ren's own efforts to keep the con going while protecting herself and Tess and the city itself, things get intense. 

 

OMG YES to this novel. This was complex AF, with layered histories and cultures and power structures and storylines and even Ren's own narrative, as she is herself and "plays" at the high-born Renata and the local soothsayer Arenza. Like, from the very start, this had the feel of an epic tale. The many threads, separate and already overlapping, began and then built in a way the promised - and delivered - big things. There was a fantastic mix of world-building and exposition and side stories (that set up smaller characters that then come back to have larger or pivotal roles as the plot plays out) and character development were all there. And so well written and paced! I mean, it's a long read, don't get me wrong. But it was more in line, for me, with Shannon's big books, like Priory and Fallen Night, as opposed to the more traditional (and IMO slower-to-read) classic epic fantasy like Carey's Kushiel's Dart. I love that kind of immersive reading experience, with fantasy, so it all really worked for me. The one thing I am sort of iffy on was the magic system. Similar to the way the jade magic in the Green Bone Saga didn't feel fully understandable/clear to me until later books, the magic system in this series feels similar. I am hoping for more clarity on the magic (numinata) in the next books. On the other hand, magically, there was a creative variation of tarot and look, I am a sucker for that in fantasy (and contemporary lit, if we're being honest). The take on it here was familiar enough, but with alterations that fit the world and aura of this story perfectly. I was into it. And I would love a short appendix to explain it in a bit more detail (I'm manifesting that I find something like that in one of the next books). 

 

Alright, let me just say, again: the details and development! The build in mystery and intrigue that come with good story-telling/plotting, and the relationships that start to feel real the longer a con goes on, were woven together in spectacular fashion, to make this such a compelling read. Ren is tough and independent and prickly and (a bit) outside the law, which is my fav kind of female lead. But we also get to watch her grow and be vulnerable some, as her motivations and traumas come out, and that makes her so real. When she started to have conflicting feelings, as she meets people and puts actual humans behind the figures/marks she built up in her mind, I was like "yessssssss, I love how this is complicating everything!" But she still doesn't necessarily "come clean" ever unless forced, and even then, only partly - I am so here for that narrative choice. The drama continues to build; no easy happy endings. And then the slower roll, plot-wise, into something so much bigger than her original con, but now she’s super invested (mostly against her will) because now she cares; it all happened so naturally and I was bought IN. Oh, and the Rook. It's a trope for a reason. How is a masked Robin Hood style character always so sexy? And (small spoiler) is Ren maybe on the path to something similar? There'll be two? Be still my bisexual heart. I mean, come on. 

 

What else? Let' see... the moving through dreams and dream worlds brought to life by ingesting magically infused mind altering drugs is trippy and meta and paranormal. It not only fits the vibe of the book, but is also used well in the plot. Ok, PHEW what a conclusion! It was satisfyingly tense and cathartic on its own, while also allowing myriad intrigues to remain for the next book (THAT’s how you do a series people! Make me invested enough to want more and I'll pick up the next one without a ridiculous and fabricated and heartrending cliffhanger!) 

 

I just love a good con story and this hit all the highlights, plus more. There was so much going on all the time; it was one of the most technically complex and intricately detailed stories, plot and world-building, and character depth/breadth, that I have read in a while. Slow clap for real. I am going to take a small-ish break for a couple other books that piled up while I was working through this chonker, but I am excited and ready for more of Ren and Co's story soon! 

 

 “A mask - that was what she needed. […] …something to hide the fear and the fallible human beneath.” 

 

I've been tracking the Bramble Romance (from Macmillan and Tor) imprint since it was announced, because that magical romance combo is basically my whole personality as a reader (if we're talking about my reading roots and the books of my heart). This was one of the first books they started marketing and hyping up. And I do love a good gothic romance (I was one of very few students who enjoyed Wuthering Heights in high school), so this dark hero, gothic academia, set in a creepy castle, mystery plot situation called out to me. Plus, like, the purple sprayed edges were hard to ignore, aesthetically. 

 

A blurb as provided by Goodreads, as I cannot bring myself to take the time to write my own (if you stick with me and read the full review, you'll find out more about why): "An outcast her entire life, Corvina Clemm is left adrift after losing her mother. When she receives the admission letter from the mysterious University of Verenmore, she accepts it as a sign from the universe. The last thing she expects though is an old, secluded castle on top of a mountain riddled with secrets, deceit, and death. An enigma his entire life, Vad Deverell likes being a closed book but knowing exactly everything that happens in the university. A part-time professor working on his thesis, Vad has been around long enough to know the dangers the castle possesses. And he knows the moment his path crosses with Corvina, she's dangerous to everything that he is. They shouldn't have caught each other's eye. They cannot be. But a chill-inducing century-old mystery forces them to collide. People have disappeared every five years over the past century, Corvina is getting clues to unraveling it all, and Vad needs to keep an eye on her." 

 

Ok look, this book has everything I could have wanted it to (and I did want it, I went into this book wanting all that), but it just....tried too hard. It's like it took every single dark gothic academica romance trope and tried to smoosh it into this story without quite spending enough time on editing to make sure the story itself didn't have holes/didn't read awkwardly. Like, there were no reasons for some of the descriptions/explanations/connections except *vibes.* And while I do love when the vibes are right, and even sometimes when that's all a book is (The Chosen and the Beautiful and Rouge and a bit An Education in Malice - though that did also have some plot - are recent examples), they are not enough to carry what attempts to be a greater plot. And vibes, even when they include gorgeous illustrations/photographs as chapter art, epic quotes leading into each chapter that really fit the energy of the novel, sprayed edges, and a cover that looks like this one (I mean damn it's gorg), are definitely not enough to make up for sub-par writing. 

 

And y'all, the writing really left something to be desired. It was basic. So much telling, very little showing, and omg the repetition was...inane. Like, we got it: Corvina was homeschooled and didn't get out much and has never felt lust for a *real* person before and despite being on a remote campus together is constantly surprised by how often she runs into Vad (who, did you know, is dark and secretive and hot/cold and definitely not a good guy but also like, where's the real evidence of that?!), and the pull between them is impossible to resist (though there’s no why for that either…). And Corvina and Vad are drawn to each other but it would be bad if they got together, but like, why? Who knows? For the vibez. There's insta-lust too. Which honestly, I personally don't mind as a trope when executed well/with solid writing, which, of course, was lacking here. Also, plot-wise, everything was just too...I don't know how to describe it. But things happened that didn't really make sense or had no explanation or just weren't realistic (yes, I know, I'm using it loosely, within the confines of this "world"), just to make a next step or trope work, and then minds would changes or issues wouldn’t matter without reasons, just to make the next step/trope work. There was just no robustness to the development of anything. Finally, the dialogue. Interestingly, this was some of the best writing, when the characters involved were not the central two. All the side character conversations were just like how people talk (it's almost like, when the author wasn't trying so hard to do something, it was more successful) . But then, there was this: the way Vad and Corvina spoke to each other "in the moment," as it were. It was...fine? Maybe. But it felt totally anachronistic in the setting. I feel like dirty talk more appropriate to the novel could have been found/included. Like I support explicit talk, but specifically the way it was done here sort of took me out of the story/setting. 

 

One major theme/topic control to the story, and to Corvina herself, is mental illness (including suicide). It was ever present. And I wasn't really a fan of all the ways it was included, as it felt, at times, like a romanticization of mental illness and suicide. However, I have to also be fair and say that I did really appreciate the message that everyone wants to be loved and accepted and protected for who they are, even the difficult/challenging parts. So, seeing that a person with a history or diagnosis of mental illness can get that love and support and do amazing things (Corvina and her mother both) is important representation (if not quite accurate to the reality of the diagnosis in question). Even though there is some sort of unexplained "foretelling" drawing Vad and Corvina together that is impossible to resist, so maybe it's not entirely the challenge it might be IRL, I still loved that for Corvina.  

 

A couple final notes. There was a solid amount of heat and spice, which I did like (though these scenes were only marginally less cring-ily written than the rest of the novel). There were some really random inclusions (like a everyone-having-sex-in-the-open ball?) that were there only to allow certain types of scenes that are apparently canon for romantasy now and have to be forced in even if they wouldn't otherwise fit. I didn't see the twist coming, as far as the culprit (though I wasn't trying very hard to figure anything out - I was skimming pretty hardcore by the end), so that was a nice surprise. I actually liked how unexplained some things were. We never get closure on a few points of the mystery in the plot. And there is an open-ended-ness to Corvina and the voices she hears; is it mental illness or magic or a combination. I know that kind of unresolved situation is a big "no" for some readers, but when it fits, I respect it. And I personally thought it fit here. 

 

In the end, I have to be honest and say I was disappointed. It delivers everything it promises, all the tropes I wanted to see/read, but in a pretty incompetent package. The writing was too elementary, the plot was too inconsistent as it tried to find the most convenient way to get the best tropes in, and the effort put into trying to fit a mold was too distracting for it to really be good. 

 

 “Beautiful in the way pain was beautiful, because it tugged at the chest and made something visceral come alive in the stomach and caused blood to simmer in the veins. Enchanting in the way she imagined dark magic was, because it twisted the air around it and warped the mind and overpowered the senses. Haunting in the way only very few living things could be, because it sent a shiver down the spine and cloaked itself in the darkness and fed on the energy around them.” 

 

 “He smelled of dangerous adventurer and coming home, of heartache and nostalgia.” 

 

“This will last until the day the roses on my grave stop sharing roots with the roses on yours…” 

 

 

I got this book early from everywhere (Libro.fm and NetGalley). I was so hype for this book and so appreciative of all the formats I had access to. I used them all while reading and loved every second of the novel and the overall experience. 

 

A reincarnation love story that spans lifetimes, this ambitious tale of connection and destiny and a true feeling follows three iterations of two men who are reborn over and over with a pull between them that cannot be denied. In the year 4 BCE, a young courtier is directed to seduce an emperor, and the two find that, despite the machinations that brought them together, they share something greater. In 1740, an innkeeper in a rural province helps a mysterious visitor, inadvertently releasing a supernatural power. In present day Los Angeles, a college student discovers his identity meets a beautiful stranger that he is inexplicably drawn to. Spanning centuries and settings (palaces, the wilderness, underground raves), these lovers find and refind each other, always looking for a different ending and to finally be fully together. 

 

What a refreshing romantasy! This new subgenre has really been pigeonholed into a certain type of story by the publishing/marketing industry, and I loved this breath of something new/different from that higher industry level. As for me, I just loved it. It totally lived up to the hype I had built for it. The writing was great, in general. More specifically, the three individual stories were interwoven in a way that allowed them to swell and drop in unison, creating a grand scale show of the lasting-ness of this romance, while remaining completely unique and separate in their own character developments and plots. I'm very impressed with the way Huang was able to do both, simultaneously, without sacrificing one aspect in favor of the other. 

 

I have to mention the sex. :-) It's a correctly-marketed romantasy, so...there was, predictably, a lot of it. It was great. Such a variety and jumping right in from the start! It was transactional, with deep emotional connection, casual, under the influence (a variety of them, across the stories), with a goal/aim, brash, manipulated, shy/hesitant, transcendent, and the kind that is deeply satisfying because it comes after longing for it through almost the whole book. Oh, and lest I forget, there was some terrifying sex - I have read a lot, but I have never before read a razor blade blow job! Eeek! Anyhoo, hats off to Huang for this piece as well. 

 

And finally, I *must* highlight the overall vibes. This is like, take angst and bittersweet torment and make it romantic and iterary with a splash of the divine. The anguish was just....so good. And ever present in the best way. And the ending!! I don't know what I was anticipating, necessarily, but this was not it...it was so much more! It subverted *all* tropes and exceeded my expectations; drawing out that sweet agony (for eternity, maybe?!), but still somehow so satisfying! Perfect for the vibes of this story (these stories). 

 

This was just such a mystical reading experience. The reincarnations were so different from each other, which made for a compelling and fast set of narratives. And they were all otherworldly and sublime in their own ways. I kinda loved them all and was left both fulfilled and yearning for more. So, basically, I can't speak enough about how much I loved Huang's debut and I recommend it so hard! 

 

"As my mother once told me, there are few knots that strategic wine cannot unravel." 

 

"Memories are already so immaterial that it only takes a nudge for them to dissipate away, like waking dreams." 

 

"What if I told you, he begins, that the feeling we call love...is actually the feeling of metaphysical recognition, when your soul remembers someone from a previous life?" 

 

"I had fallen asleep upon his prized heritage robe. And so he could leave without stirring me awake, the Emperor had cut off his sleeve." (Idk what it is about this line, but it gave me *feelings.* I cannot get over it. This is *romance.*) 

 

"To Remember is a dubious gift, and a staggering burden." 

 

"An ambitious courtier in an ancient palace. A humble innkeeper in the woods. An artist obsessed with a singular muse. A beautiful mystery to the very end." 

 

I very rarely pick up poetry, as you know. But this one jumped out at me from the shelf because I have read another piece by the author, a novel, The Arsonists' City, and *loved* it. So I decided to give it a go. 

 

I've had a couple previous poetry collection reading experiences that have been really solid experiences for me, like it was never going to be okay, Lord of the Butterflies, Homie, If They Come for Us, among others, where I feel like I have "understood" the poems. For the most part anyways. Which is about the best I can usually hope for with poetry. But this collection is very firmly falling under the category of: I think I felt the right vibes/feelings, but didn't understand most of the individual pieces and probably only have a grasp of the larger sentiment due to the blurb on the back. Collections like this one are definitely full of, brimming even, with emotion. And yet, they also make me, as a reader, feel...wanting. Like I am not smart enough to "get" the messages and artwork of them. Maybe it's a practice thing, and if I read more, I'd "get" more. But as it is, I struggled at times with this collection. There was lots of play with structure that was intriguing, but most of it was opaque enough that I felt it contributed to my consideration of the collection being beyond my ability to interpret/understand. 

 

All that being said, I do want to share what I did get out of this. Again, these impressions may have been at least partially informed by the blurb on the back but, with that guidance, I definitely *felt* the "multiplicity" that was referenced. There was multiplicity of narrative style, body, countries/cities, homes, people/names (who they are and how we imagine or speak to/of them internally - both others and the author's self - collide against each other frequently), and more. And honestly, that is perhaps the most tangible thing I can say/understand about this collection. There is so much to balance, and that leaves the reader feeling unhinged/unmoored in a way that, in my interpretation, matches the author's own, in these circumstances she is writing about. 

 

Emotionally, there is so much sorrow here. There is sorrow for a lost child (lost children), lost homeland, lost homes, lost family members (both by distance/policy and by the permanence of death)...just so much loss. There is tragedy that is truly heavy on every page. As I finished the final poem, I asked myself, is there maybe some hope, here at the end? And I decided, a glimmer, maybe, like the sliver of moonlight from a crescent moon. But overally, really, this is a collection of the sadness of distance and loss. Even as I sometimes was detached while reading, due to missing comprehension on my part, I always felt that greater sorrow, that distance and loss, behind the words. 

 

A few of my favorite individual poems, for a variety of reasons, were: 

"Sleep Study No. 3" 

"Strike [Air]" 

"Love Poem" 

"The Uterus Speaks" and "The Amygdala Speaks" 

"Maternal" (the structure of this one, like the opposite of blackout poetry - whiteout poetry? - from medical record notes...oooooof, the feels) 

"Spoiler" (what a final poem!) 

 

 

“There is nothing more terrible / that waiting for the terrible. I promise. / Was the grief worth the poem? No, / but you don’t interrogate a weed / for what it does with wreckage. / For what it’s done to get here.” 

 

“unreturnable / one passport short of country / one country short of citizen” 

 

“I wake cold I bloom / empty” 

 

 “We’re both like this - full of risk and nowhere to put it.” 

 

“Every choice is the renunciation of another one.” 

 

“You’re not the only one who pretends to regret what they’ve wasted.” 

 

“Give me a date and I’ll lose it. Give me a border and I’ll run it crooked.” 

 

“the snow that thaws on sidewalks, that ache of gray, that wake of water.” 

 

“I still like my brain. This feels as / impossible as anything, but it’s true – I / feel its lure bright as a camera bulb / sometimes, the magic and the grief like / two rivers necking where they meet.” 

 

“The cost of wanting something is who you are / on the other side of getting it.” 

 

“I’m here to tell you the tide will never stop coming in. / I’m here to tell you whatever you build will be ruined, so make it beautiful.” 

 

 

This romance got a lot of hype when it came out a couple years ago, so I added it to my "when you are wanting a romance" list. And, having lived for a few months in Spain, I am always excited to revisit the country in literature. Even though I was in southern Spain, and this (the parts set in Spain) is in the northern part of the country, there is some similar slang and food and vibes that are just different than Latin and South American Spanish-speaking settings and it's familiar and comfortable and fun to be back in sometimes. Anyways, it was time for a basic contemporary romance and this was the winner. 

 

Catalina (Lina) Martín's white lie to her family about the American boyfriend she's bringing as a date to her sister's wedding in Spain has backed her into a bit of a corner. She needs to find someone to play that role, and time is running out. And desperation leads her to say yes to the offer to help from her coworker Aaron Blackford. Sure, he's handsome, but he was super condescending to her when they first met and, since then, they've kind of developed into office enemies. Beggars can't be choosers though. And so Lina finds herself on a flight across the Atlantic with Aaron...who turns out to be a fantastic fake boyfriend. Like, they're totally succeeding in fooling her nosy and close-knit family. And Lina realizes that perhaps it's time to work though/past some of her past relationship trauma, because her feelings towards this fake relationship are developing into something real. And it seems that Aaron is right there with her. 

 

Well, this was a solid romance. I, of course, really enjoyed all the parts in Spain. And NYC is honestly always a fun setting, too. The opening vibes were *very* The Hating Game. I was actually questioning, for a second there, if this was a lowkey fanfic situation. The workplace enmity (and how it played out in dialogue/action), along with the "guy has clearly fallen but can't figure out how to say something about it so the girl has no idea," was so similar. Thankfully, the parallels chilled out after the story left the office environment. At which point, I was pleased with the way it developed. The hole Aaron had to dig out of, because he'd spent so long settling into it and not really doing anything to get out before this offer to be a fake "date," was pretty big. So, I honestly don't hate how long it took (effort and time wise), because you can't rush that and maintain a sense of authentic emotional development. That genuine growth/change was worth if from the perspective that it made the story more believable. However, the internet told me this was spicy. And...having to wait until three quarters of the way in to the novel to get a first kiss, hot as it was, just doesn't leave enough time for smut for me to consider this spicy. Personally. I mean, it was definitely steamy - the build up and tension and "closeness-but-not-quite" vibes - were spot on. And I am in full support of this romanticization of tenderness, the small touches and looks and acts, because that’s such real connection-type stuff, meaningful and beautiful in it's own, lovely, way. Truly. But the consummation of all that was late, and there were only a couple fully detailed, open-door, sexy scenes. And I just had been hoping for more based on reviews I'd read (which is an expectation issue. not a delivery-by-the-author issue, to be clear).  

 

Random other things... The individual side characters were all pretty basic. I enjoyed the Martín family as a whole, as a vibe (I always love a rowdy family situation), but mostly everyone that wasn't Lina and Aaron blended into the background for me. There was entirely too much repeated inner monologue from Lina, about the past boyfriend trauma and the boss thing and the boundaries and heart barriers stuff. I mean, I get it; it's understandable and realistic that she'd be constantly dwelling on it, bur it was just a bit too tiresome, as a reader. Speaking of repetition, there were just a couple too many mentions of how sculpted/strong Aaron’s body is, tbh. We get it and it kind of started to feel a bit icky/objectifying. And finally, my biggest issue is the miscommunication trope (in this case, disguised as the "I'm too unsure/insecure to just talk about wanting to fix how we got off on the wrong foot an/or what's stopping me from taking this emotional jump") that is so highly featured in this novel. It's just not a favorite of mine and it was all over this story, so that was tough. But again, personal.   

 

At the end of the day though, even with all the little things I wasn't a fan of, or wanted more/less of, or the tropes I didn't love (shoutout here to the "one bed" trope - which I do like - because how it happened was kind of hilarious), this novel grew on me. In part, it was just well written and the emotional pacing/development was so realistic. I always appreciate that type of believability. But also, if I'm being honest, mostly because of the softie romantic interest. I do love a “he falls harder” situation and this one delivers that all out. 

 

“Because his words were, without a doubt in my mind, the most beautiful thing I would ever hear said about me. To me. And for me.” 

 

“It was in that precise moment that I felt like something had finally clicked into place, unhinging everything I had been keeping on a short leash. I couldn’t know how or why. Didn’t even have the slightest idea. And wasn’t that part of the mystery of life? Part of what made it breathtakingly exciting? Unexpectedly beautiful? We couldn’t control and tame emotions to our convenience.” 

 

Ignited. That was exactly how I felt. It was what Aaron had done to me. He had lit me up.” 

 

“I’ll give you the world,” he said against my mouth. “The moon. The fucking stars. Anything you ask, it’s yours. I’m yours.” 

 

“Your family loves you, and that’s a kind of bond you can’t force. It’s a kind of love one doesn’t find anywhere else. It can be overwhelming, but that’s only because it’s always honest.” 

 

“Life changed constantly, wickedly fast and terribly slow, when one least expected it to or after a long time of chasing that change. Life could be turned around, inside out, backward and forward, or it could even transform into something else entirely. And it happened regardless of age, but most importantly, it didn’t care for time. Life-altering moments spanned from a few seconds to decades. It was part of the magic of life. Of living.” 

 

I was super excited to read this memoir. I bought it as soon as it was published, and then, of course, it sat on my shelf unread for a few months. As per usual. But to be honest, as with most nonfiction, I was waiting for my hold on the audiobook to come in at my library too. I just really prefer nonfiction that way: read to me, but with a physical copy on hand for reference. I'm glad I waited, because it was exactly the reading experience I wanted. A word here, I am kind of thrilled that the waiting list was months-long. The more people who read this, the better, IMO! Because...yes, I am so glad that I finally was able to read it. It was just as good as I was hoping! 

 

The short blurb for this book is: "A queer hijabi Muslim immigrant survives her coming-of-age by drawing strength and hope from stories in the Qur'an in this daring, provocative, and radically hopeful memoir."  And that is pretty accurate. The author, pseudonym Lamya H, gives the reader a glimpse into her life, coming of age and identity, in places and within communities that often don't get much, if any, nuanced portrayal of this kind of intersectionality: religious/traditional and queer. Lamya H was born in South Asia, raised through most of her primary education years in the Middle East, and then moved to the United States for university and grad school (and beyond). Through all of these "homes," she has always felt a bit out of place, unable to find a community in which her whole self belongs. As she matures, coming of age, she begins to understand a bit more about why she has always felt like an outsider: skin color, religion, country of origin, language, and, finally, sexual and gender identity, all playing a role. Even as a child, these inklings of difference were there, but age and reflection help her find explanation and descriptions for it all. 

 

Lamya H structures this memoir not chronologically, but thematically, with each section interweaving a figure (and/or related surah) from the Qur'an with a moment (or series of moments) of self-realization, self-awareness, self-acceptance. And it is spectacular. I often wonder about this juxtaposition of faith and queerness. Coming from a Catholic background, but being solidly atheist now (for a number of reasons, not least of which is the general lack of acceptance for sexuality/gender/family structure that is such a cornerstone belief of many in that faith), I often wonder about this intersection of religion/belief and sexuality/gender. For those, like Lamya H, for whom both are primary and central to their identity, how is one compromised for the other, or how does one avoid having to do so? I am not personally looking to regain faith through finding a satisfactory explanation or answer, but I am fascinated by how others are able to do so.         

 

I absolutely loved how, through this lens, Lamya H explores what queer is, what queer culture can look like, and how the answer is: whatever an individual queer person is/wants it to be, just like any other label. Similarly, she explores those same questions, and comes to many of the same conclusions, regarding her Muslim faith identity. And as for the intersection of the two...it takes effort, emotional and academic and relational, but by the end, she has managed to find a framework and a community that accepts all these important aspects of herself as they are. And that is wondrous and hopeful and all good things, surviving (at times even thriving) through and in the midst of myriad oppositional or alternate-belief forces. The euphoria of finding your people, your community, the ones "like you," the ones that make you feel safe and at home, is heart-filling to the extreme. 

 

It was also extremely warming to see her journey towards accepting when those people, that community, care for you. The vulnerability in allowing yourself to open up and be loved by them is a whole other level of coming of age. Watching Lamya H both succeed and fail in this, and come to understand that that is what makes us human, is a strength of humanity - our genuine connections with others - is beautiful to witness. 

 

In general, I appreciated, so much, being allowed to see into this work of carving out a place and life that has room for all facets of her identity, reclaiming her faith back to the roots and origins and alternative (equally plausible and valuable) interpretations of religious texts/tenets in which acceptance and grace are centered (as opposed to dogmatic exclusion favored widely-loudly now). And with her own journey on this front, it was a privilege to be allowed to see her open up about fighting for what she believes in, learning when to do so, and when to take a step back. Whether its religious or secular in nature, it's so important to learn, for your own well-being, how much of yourself you can give for this kind of "fight," and when you concede that a mind can't/won't be changed and your effort is only causing you pain without any chance for benefit/success. Learning to center one's own safety, when a belief in something is so deep, and the yearning for constructive conversations and winning battles for the good you are "preaching," threatens that safety, is an advocacy message that Lamya H describes and gains personal understanding of, profoundly here.   

 

There were a few other introspections and decisions that were really highlights for me as well. First, a queer staple: coming out. Lamya H addresses the myriad fears and reactions associated with it, and the frequency with which she has to decide to (or not), in a way that is universal to queer reality. At the same time, she makes one choice that I rarely see: choosing to protect her peace and familial connections and love by not coming out to them. For her, that peace of the status quo is more important. And knowing that her “found” family respects her enough to support and go with that choice, and that this very viable option is highlighted as an absolutely real and respectable way to be queer, was all fantastic to see. I feel like there is often a “but I came out and we’re working on it” or "but I came out and they couldn't accept me and so we have no more relationship" finale to memoirs where queer people come from traditional cultural backgrounds. And that's real. But just as real is this choice, to not test that boundary. And I thank Lamya H for being brave enough to share that that was her best choice, and represent all the people who also choose (or wonder if they "can" choose) that. 

 

In this memoir, Lamya H connects and parallels figures/surahs from the Qur'an with the moments they prompt: of religious philosophy/theory realizations that have accompanied personal (identity, sexuality, gender, race, hierarchical) understanding/awareness. And each is presented with such feeling and clarity and respect. This entire work is deep and emotional and thorough, but always consistently accessible. 

 

“It’s no wonder that I feel like a jinn, seen and unseen. It's no wonder that I think they're better than me.” (this metaphor tho) 

 

“But is it possible to be dispossessed, once the possession has already entered your body, wisped into your brain, sneaky as smoke, and settled somewhere in your bones? How do you undo a lifetime of experiencing racism, of whispers and warnings? Of these feelings that have been swirling inside you your whole life: fear, disgust, anxiety, revulsion - directed at yourself?” 

 

“Slowly, it starts to sink in that it's racism that's the problem, not race; that it's white supremacy that's the problem, not me; it's white supremacy that needs to be fought and dismantled.” 

 

“And gender is nowhere within these concepts that define the Divine. God is neither man nor woman nor masculine nor feminine, not not masculine, nor not feminine. This God, who teaches us that we can be both and neither and all and beyond and capable of multiplicities and expansiveness. Nonbinary, genderqueer. They, this God that is the God, my God, my Allah. Who created the world and created language and created the first person, Adam, this first person who was man and woman and neither and both and not a mistake, never a mistake. Like me.” 

 

“…I realize if all around me is the evidence of what happens without my asking, doesn't that mean that there's possibility for more? A more trusting love where I could let myself ask for things, let myself be vulnerable and imperfect and even dispensable? A more magnanimous, forgiving kind of love where sometimes people give me what I ask for and sometimes they don't and it's okay? Where it's okay to be disappointed and it's okay to be disappointing - where we can love each other and ourselves regardless?” 

 

It was a review posted by @thestackspod that had me adding this to my TBR. I really hadn't, and haven't, seen it anywhere else. But I am grateful that that review is one that popped up on my feed because, having just finished this, I am so grateful for reading it. This was really something special. 

 

In Ordinary Notes, Christina Sharpe gives readers a profoundly moving literary experience. As per Goodreads, Sharpe "explores profound questions about loss and the shapes of Black life that emerge in the wake. In a series of 248 notes that gather meaning as we read them, Christina Sharpe skillfully weaves artifacts from the past--public ones alongside others that are poignantly personal--with present realities and possible futures, intricately constructing an immersive portrait of everyday Black existence. The themes and tones that echo through these pages, sometimes about language, beauty, memory; sometimes about history, art, photography, and literature--always attend, with exquisite care, to the ordinary-extraordinary dimensions of Black life." What I know is that, by like 20 pages in, I was already blown away by it. 

 

The writing is poetic and rhythmic and gorgeously painful as it cuts to the quick with its messages about the myriad violences of anti-Black racism and how so little has changed over the years (the fact that the “past” that is slavery/segregation/institutional and systemic racism has failed to stay in the past and is, in fact, very much the reality of the present). I was awe-struck by the insights and connections that Sharpe makes, as well as the brevity of language with which she accomplishes it. She brings together a chorus of voices historical and present to help paint this literary, analytic, critical, rhythmic, incredibly discerning picture. And the way she layers concepts and words and art/artist references in a way that mimics layering of music in composition (where we see the multiple layers of meaning in the title come through strongly as well), is stunning. This is all combined with emotional remembrances of her own - experiences from her youth, memories of and grief for her mother - that enhance and demonstrate, with personal touch, the messages the more generally observational and anthropological notes make. It's these snippets of memory that, with a few short words of commentary/insight/reflection, become more, symbolic or educational or indicative of a wider pattern or simply…more, that take what is a set of academic points (though not less important or necessary for being that) and make them something that takes the reader's breath away with the intensity of the delivery. Amazing. 

 

Sharpe questions frameworks and breaks down concepts and exemplifies truths/explanations of so much of the reality of ani-Black racism in the US, historically and today and in all the ways those are actually the same, a looping and folding over and repetition of time. Where does our sympathy/empathy land? What does it do/achieve? A call to action to recognize the pervasive and incorrect narrative of the ‘history’ of the US that frames violence as “anomalous and intermittent and not foundational and ever-present.” A call to lean into cognitive dissonance in our families/communities, to interrogate our 'best intentions,' and do something, to build towards a future that is not just a slightly different version of the same. 

 

At one point, Sharpe notes "There was a time when I would answer people's questions largely with quotations from plays, novels, poems, and nonfiction works. What I wanted to say had already been said and said better than I could have hoped to say it myself." and if I am being honest, this is exactly what I felt while reading this. I took so many notes while reading this (I'm not a tab-er, but this work almost made me want to) and part of me wants to write them all here, to tell you what stood out to me, what I learned, which aspects/points landed hardest. It's all so essential, indispensable, and part of me feels like trying to sum it up, or give highlights, here will make more people read this. That's what I want. And yet, I know my words cannot do justice to Sharpe's words. I know that this is a book you have to pick up and experience in full, for yourself, to appreciate it and absorb it to the depth it deserves. And so, I will refrain. And I will simply repeat: read it yourself. 

 

This is poetry and philosophy and history and sociology and social justice and current event commentary and more It's an expansive and philosophical attempt to capture in words what the Black experience is: what it's grown from, shaped by, seen as, means to those who live it, is attempted to be communicated through words/visuals/artistic renderings and expressions, and more. One of the back blurbs says readers will be forever changed who “grapple with its disquiet and beauty” of Ordinary Noets. And hot damn if that isn’t true. 

 

 

“...the lessons that an institution imagines is it imparting - or the ones that we imagine the institution imagining it is imparting - like racism is bad or look how far we've come - is not the only, or even, perhaps, the primary, lesson or note to take hold. The imagination of whiteness is also at work, undoing the lesson, restructuring, and constantly renewing antiblack racism.” 

 

“There is the violence of the baying crowd and there is the violence of reasonableness, each part necessary…” 

 

“Every memorial and museum to atrocity already contains its failure.” 

 

“Not lost to time. Hidden. Their names are not lost to time, they are hidden in time, hidden in the work of the US, hidden in towns, in cities, in consciousness, and in lies. They are hidden and enjoyed, loved, adorned, and breathed in like air.” 

 

“What if white visitors to a memorial to the victims of lynching were met with the enlarged photographs of faces of those white people who were participant in and witness to that terror then and now? What if they had to face themselves? Might they not be a different endeavor? Might that not hit a different note?” 

 

“...the ghost of a past that is not yet past...” (our present) 

 

“That grammar of 'mistakes were made' is one in which terrible acts are committed and yet no one is assigned responsibility for them.” 

 

“Visuality is not simply looking. It is a regime of seeing and being, and any so-called neutral position is a position of power that refuses to recognize itself as such.” 

 

“Time collapses in on itself; it is not linear; it is a boomerang” 

 

“The torturer insists that he cannot remember. The tortured insists that he cannot forget.” 

 

“This is how the docile cultural subject is made, through a violence material, metaphorical, continuing, and ordinary, perhaps couched as interest, care, or tenderness, and displaced onto others.” 

 

“Spectacle is the right to capture, to capture what is deemed abjection, and the right to publish it. Spectacle is a relation of power. It has a long life and a big sound. The photographer doesn't just see the thing but also amplifies it, doubles and trebles it.” 

 

“So much of Black life and work and resistance goes missing. Black people work to hold all of this information in our heads, oftentimes unbolstered by institutions, oftentimes against such institutions' purposeful forgetting. We have to function as a living library: as an institution.” 

 

“I live through the steady onslaught of these occurrences.” 

 

“Books - poetry, fiction, nonfiction, theory, memoir, biography, mysteries, plays - have always helped me locate myself, tethered me, helped em to make sense of the world and to act in it. I know that books have saved me. By which I mean that books always give me a place to land in difficult times.” 

 

“The machinery of whiteness constantly deploys violence - and in a mirror-register, constantly manufactures wonder, surprise, and innocence in relation to that violence. That innocence-making machine rubs out violence at the very moment of its manufacture.” 

 

“Border authoritarianism. The forced withdrawal and criminalization of any modicum of care.” 

 

"There is no set of years in which to be born Black and woman would not be met with violence." 

 

"The answer to these obscene questions? Return the bones. Return the photographs. Repatriate the statues. Empty the museums." 

 

"I write these ordinary things to detail the everyday sonic and haptic vocabularies of living life under these brutal regimes." 

 

I was recently between a few heavier nonfiction reads (Solito and Ordinary Notes) and needed something to escape into. I mean, those were both 5-star nonfiction books, so please note: I highly recommend them. Normally, though, I try to space out those more intense reads a bit more. However, the timeline for library holds coming in is its own special beast - even us professionals can't predict its workings. And thus, my need for something much lighter. I read Hazelwood's breakout romance, The Love Hypothesis, and I thought it was pretty good. But some critical reviews of follow-up books have left me on the fence about reading more from her. This one, though, has all my so-called "guilty pleasure" soft spots - vampires, enemies to lovers, spiciness - and a review from a library coworker that said it was fast/entertaining that overrode my question marks, and here we are. 

 

Misery Lark, the daughter of a powerful Vampyre leader who is pretty much an outcast from her own people, agrees to marry Were Alpha, Lowe Moreland. Even though their people are enemies, and she'll essentially be alone in dangerous territory, with a high chance of death...Misery has her reasons. And to her, they're worth it. For his part, Lowe is trying to do something new for his people, attempting to build new alliances and create more stable living conditions than under the previous Alpha. Thus, the choice to have a symbolic political marriage with a Vampyre. So basically, neither of them expect the pull towards each other, the slowly melting ice (and deeply heated connection), to grow like it does. And very possibly, that connection may also lead to better Vampyre-Were relations for everyone. 

 

This is pretty basic read, as far as plot and world-building go. Like, if you are looking for epic new worlds and majorly creative new takes on vampire and werewolf lore...this may not be the book for you. However, if you are looking for some smaller new angles on these "species" (a la My Roommate is a Vampire, though more science-y than funny), with an easy and entertaining story that won't really surprise you with its twists, but will keep you interested in turning pages, then give this a go. I tend to think the genetic mutation, with attendant separately developed values in response (and fear of "other" does the rest - apparently no species anywhere can escape that weakness), as an explanation for species differences, is an interesting one. It's similar to the feel of the Psy-Changling series, though of course, being about thirty less books, doesn't have quite the same depth. In fact, I would have loved just a little more on this, to give more context. There is a major plot point based on genetic possibilities, but the background info we get on it remains...very surface-level. One other note, there is a...sexual...genetic difference that is also explored. And it was weird. Like it might have been ok, but it was explained so vaguely that I never really "got" it. I mean, it seemed to really enhance some of the spicy scenes, but not quite in a way that extended into me, as the reader, feeling/following it, if you catch my meaning. So, yea, a weird sex organ thing, but like whatever. It wasn't really part of the novel that much/for that long. Plot-wise, there was enough drama and intrigue and action to keep me invested, which is about all I needed from it. 

 

Now there were a couple things I did really enjoy and appreciate. Like, I can’t help but love Misery’s snarky sarcasm. It’s clearly a protective mechanism, but it’s so well done that I actually laughed out loud a couple of times, so I have to acknowledge that as well done. Really, in fact, it seems that  Hazelwood has cracked the code on dialogue overall. It was so good throughout and that's a major hit-or-miss thing for me in liking a book. So, that’s freaking great. As for Misery herself, as a character, I also was grateful for her maturity. I mean, there was the snark, of course, but also, she put a lot of things together, and figured out a number of things, on her own. I hate when the MC needs to be handheld through all realizations...especially ones that are obvious to the reader. It made me respect both her character and Hazelwood's writing of it, more than I was expecting, out of a vampire-werewolf spin-off romance-fantasy situation. Similarly, I thought the relationship development between Misery and Lowe was actually like, pretty solid, for a romantasy (believability wise) and I can’t help but respect that too. Mate situations usually lead to needy-dumb character interactions, and attachments that form so fast and therefore seem pretty shallow. This felt much mroe like a very real growth of connection and feeling and respect between the two. Lowe’s holding back to center Misery emotionally, was honestly the most actually-accomplished-of-it variation that I’ve read in awhile, re: mate tropes. Likely that was helped by this being told only from Misery's POV and that not being a connection she could quite understand in the same way. It might have been more insufferable if we got more than little snippets starting each chapter from Lowe's voice, so thank goodness for that narrative choice. 

 

A final few notes. I loved Ana. Similar to dialogue, child characters are realllllly hit-or-miss for me, and can totally ruin a whole book for me, even if they aren't central (and Ana was central), so I was thrilled that I liked her on-page persona. And the (reluctant, from one side) relationship she builds with Misery was fun to watch unfold. The rest of the side characters were fine, did what they needed to, if nothing special/standout. Alright look, I was promised spicy and didn't get any til the last like, quarter. And I mean, it was solid, but I thought there’d be more? Was hoping for more, really. So that was a small miss for me. 

 

However, I have to say, I enjoyed this *much* more than I had anticipated. And since I see you, sequel setup, I’ll probs be back the next time I need something this quick, light, entertaining and a bit spicy. Escapism at its finest. 

Look, I knew what I wanted when I picked this book up. This is epic, soap opera, levels of drama. And I was *living* for it. I was thoroughly entertained. There was page-turning revenge and years-long cons and lies and (though it took longer than I had expected to get there, based on reviews/lists featuring this book) some very spicy scenes. It was so, deeply, unhealthy, as relationships go. And yet, like I said, I knew that going in and sometimes reading about an over-protective/possessive ass that I wouldn't touch with a 39.5-foot pole (grinch-style, you know?) IRL, is exactly the kind of escapist shit I want to read. So, in summary, this novel was unbelievably *stupid* good for my current reading mood. I shall be reading the next in the series post-haste. 


Very small side note: not my fav third act breakup (like, honestly, I never like those - UGH least fav romance trope - so take this commentary with that grain of salt), but I *particularly* didn't like this one. Too much/long “time passing” to get back together - it just feels like, he should have caved sooner…but at least the friends/fam are holding the grudge still.