The jury's still out on this one. And I've only read half of it. Because I got the video for my husband to watch and it is, quite literally, exactly like the book. So I'm just going to get the video for the second half of the book. I know it's lazy.

The thing I like about this book is that it is a discipline system that is simple and gentle. And the point of it is to stop fighting with your kids all the time so that you can enjoy them. I like the idea of that, although I haven't gotten to that point yet.

The first half of the book, about stopping annoying and obnoxious behavior, has been somewhat helpful. I think maybe it could potentially be really helpful if I could be super consistent with it. My daughter is really manipulative, though, and I don't feel like the book gives me quite enough help in that regard. I will have to continue on with this discipline systen and see how it goes.

Listened to this audiobook. Hard to rate without having put it into practice, but seems like a good method. Deducting a star for sexist bent: Obviously targeted toward women, says it's "dad-friendly" as if men can only be guaranteed to do something if it's easy and their wives explain it to them. Hmph.

Thoughts on 1-2-3 Magic:

First note: My child is what’s called “2e”: gifted, with ADHD, SPD, and OCD…so we’re solidly in “differently wired” territory. (I’m also very likely a 2e person). This book was recommended to me for addressing some of the really challenging behavior issues we have at home. While I think there is some (maybe even quite a lot of) value in the structure provided by this kind of approach, a few things really, really bug me:

He says something along the lines of “unless you are a grossly neglectful or abusive parents, your kids know that you love them. Tell them so, but never tell them when they’re testing”. And…I just know, from my own experience, that this is not true. I did NOT *know* my parents loved me (and I would not classify them as abusive or neglectful!). What I learned from my parents, who withheld demonstrations of love and affection when I wasn’t behaving up to expectations so as not to “reward” such behavior, was that I was only lovable (heck, only likable/valuable at all) when I was behaving perfectly according to someone else’s expectation. Love felt very, very conditional to me. I probably don’t need to unpack how deeply unhealthy it is to think that you are only lovable if you’re perfect, but I genuinely, truly, did think that, and I *still* struggle with feeling worthless when I’ve made a mistake, still don’t quite trust that I won’t be sent away/rejected. Some of that perfectionism is probably inherent to me and the way I’m wired (like, I may have been inclined this way regardless of the approach my parents took), but I also know that the “withhold affection when behavior isn’t up to snuff” parenting approach absolutely fed into it and exacerbated it to the point where I didn’t realize that being something other than what someone else wanted me to be didn’t mean that I was unloveable until therapy in my late 20s. (And I *still* have a hard time with trusting people to love me even if I’m just myself.)

I also think that I learned that if I was having a hard time, I was on my own for dealing with it, and would be sent away/ignored instead of helped or coached. There’s just no place in this method for actually coaching a child through a meltdown, teaching them how to handle feeling yucky in a productive way. It’s just “go to your room”. I just fundamentally don’t think that’s a productive way to approach things, and it doesn’t leave kids with any strategies to fall back on when they’re having a hard time. I think there’s an important connection being missed here with ADHD-style Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, too. The consequence for not stopping a behavior once warned through counting is LITERAL rejection in the form of being sent to time-out in another room (and maybe Dr. Phelan doesn’t see it or frame it that way, but I promise you that someone who experiences RSD will almost certainly experience it that way.)

I also just dislike the framing of children as little manipulators. I’m not saying they don’t manipulate…I think they do, sometimes, just like everyone does. But I think far, far more behavior than we realize is not driven by an intention to manipulate; it’s a matter of not having the skills they need to communicate, ask for what they need, and function appropriately in the family. (I’m much more aligned with Ross Greene’s “Explosive Child”/lagging skills approach than the 1-2-3 Magic one, I think.) So much of what the book calls “Stop” behavior looks like “child having a hard time” behavior to me. Phelan makes this big deal about how we shouldn’t think of kids as being miniature adults, and I think that’s spot on - we shouldn’t, but part of what being a child (and not a miniature adult) means is that you don’t have all of the skills that an adult has, and someone needs to TEACH THEM TO YOU. Coaching is absolutely part of what parenting is, and what discipline is. (“Discipline” comes from “teaching”, not from “punishing”, etymologically, and I’m not one to lean on etymology too hard, but I think it’s important to remember what “discipline” is and what it isn’t.) How does the child learn any coping strategy other than “stuff it” under the 1-2-3 Magic approach?

Respect, too, is something I feel is almost nonexistent in this book. Yes, as the parents it’s our job to set the rules and to discipline, and kids need to respect us and listen to us, but how are they going to learn to do that if we never listen to and respect THEM (in an age-appropriate way, of course), if we just shut them up with counting when they question us? That doesn’t feel even remotely respectful to me. The tone throughout talks about kids as “brats” and “little devils” - not respectful at all. And I was SERIOUSLY bugged by some of the examples of the book where parents were doing a “good job!” of using the 1-2-3 Magic skills. It felt like the kids weren’t allowed to do anything other than immediately obey without complaint. I’m not aiming for that kind of authoritarian dictatorship…and I don’t think that’s going to lead to a kid who’s a good, functional, independent member of a society that’s NOT a dictatorship, down the road.

Another random thing: in the discussion of natural consequences in relation to Morning Routines (kids want to go to school, will be upset if they’re late more than a few times), there is NO discussion of how kid’s lateness causes parental lateness. Why does no one ever talk about this? Do most adults have jobs where it doesn’t matter if they get there twenty minutes late?? I mean, I teach when I teach, I can’t just show up late because M decided to be a slowpoke one morning! I mean, obviously that particular natural consequence is not one I’ll be taking advantage of for that reason, but seriously, it boggles my mind how often that natural consequence is suggested without any acknowledgement that kids being late means parents are late, too. Like, I’ve never, ever seen anyone who suggests that particular natural consequence mention the parental lateness aspect of it, and then I end up feeling like I’m some sort of alien for thinking about it.

Yes, Part V, with chapters about sympathetic listening and fostering independence and problem solving, does kind of address some of the issues I had with the earlier parts of the book. KIND OF. I still think probably 90% of the cases presented in the early part of the book would actually have been better handled with using sympathetic listening..and honestly, this section feels like it’s from a different book, just sort of tacked on because oops, maybe the rest of this book sounds too authoritarian and nasty.

Some reasonable advice, but this book does nothing for the kids, at best just makes parents' lives quieter. Behavioral training, nothing more.

Very repetitive, but good! It has helped us deal with several things off the bat and combined with other methods (ignore it!) it’s been very effective.

This book was recommended by our pediatrician.

Thought this would work on my kid. Mixed results, like all other childrearing books.

Some of it is ridiculous, but most of it is very practical and helpful. We will be using this to discipline our son.

This book emphasizes on time outs and how to implement them and the key being no talking and no emotion. I understand that some parents don't like this approach but I find this to be refreshing (compared to all the connection, love, empathy talk in other books) and the strategy highly implementable. I'd love to give it a try!

I watched the video years ago when my kid was a toddler and thought it was an amazing, simple system that really works. My friend Tanya has a quote on the cover of the new printing, and I have an autographed copy! Excited to read the book and see what it has to offer.