Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents delves into how emotionally unavailable and underdeveloped parents pass their generational baggage and covert insufficiencies to their kids, causing the kids to respond in different ways, either by internalizing (they think its their responsibility to fix things) or externalizing (reality should warp around them). Its a spectrum, and people can exhibit varied traits. These kids believe in a "fantasy" (yes, the author calls it that) where they romanticize about getting all that emotional intimacy and attention in the future (they'll get what they are deprived of). Its the hallmark of every emotionally deprived child, btw (its hope that keeps them going). To get that attention from EI parents, kids develop a role-self//Bowen 1978 (a role they take on to get attention, e.g. self-sacrificing saint or dennis the menace). This role-self is a pseudo image of the real-self that the kid had to hide away(a bubbly kid became shy and timid cause' the EI parent gets irritated by sudden emotion). -The role-self steals vitality from the real-self. 

Internalizers think its their duty to mediate things to the point of self-neglect (lots of desi moms can relate). They have undertaken an impossible task: changing people who don't want to change; it was their healing fantasy that enabled the birth of the role-self. 

Symptoms like depression, body pain, hair falling out, etc. are physiological and behavioral responses to unsustainable practices (people pleasing and self-deprecation). These aim to nudge us to revert back into our real selves (see what you were like before 4th grade, what did you like to do, and how were you with people, etc.; were your parents different?). 

consciousness that speaks the truth at the center of a person's being, which is a reliable neurological feedback system that points a person toward proper energy functioning. Jean Piaget said that to learn new things, you must break old mental patterns and schemas so the mental pattern can be rewired to new knowledge (google engrams and antifragility to know more). Dabrowski (a Polish psychiatrist) said that emotional pain is a sign of growth, not illness; he termed "positive disintegration," where people break down and become more complex later on. The true self will always show; if you want it to show right, then wake up to your strengths by processing childhood trauma.
Michael white found narrative therapy to make people realize their strengths and use them (overly humble people get nowhere in life; life passes them by and others get aheadof them).

Its daunting to see our parents as ordinary humans capable of making mistakes; it wears down at the time of adolescence. Cultural tenets like parents know best/will love you always reinforce not seeing your parents for what they are (the tenets paint a pretty picture instead!). Save yourself, not your parents (ditch the role-self and embrace the real-self). Bowen said in his family systems theory that EI parents promote emotional enmeshment over individual identity (nobody's real self is acknowledged just to keep the family close). 
-> Focus on the outcome, not the relationship (use the maturity awareness approach). //objectivity and neutrality with EI parents (boundaries). 

1. Dependent(parents ki extension hein bache and no individuality is allowed to develop), 
2. Idealization(Golden child syndrome and stuck in a rigid role-self to keep the parents' favour and others are neglected). It is a suffocating dynamic and it affects how those kids make adult relationships later(history repeats itself if you stand by and do nothing!)-think about it ... 

1. express what you feel without expecting the other person to reciprocate; 2. focus on the outcome (what you want to happen), not the child-parent relationship (an emotion-phobic parent can't deal with all the sappy stuff; it's like shoving a ball python on a person with ophidiophobia). 

Compromise: Emotionally mature people see compromise as something that both parties can enjoy at the end. In our EI society (no wonder why we're fucked!) its a one-sided compromise to facilitate an externalizer (a calm dad soothing an irascible/raging bitch mom at the price of his real self, led on by a healing fantasy brought on by core childhood experiences). They actually care how you feel and think. 

opportunistic tactitians (they do what feels best at the time and are inconsistent)//maybe smart in work projects but when confronted with emotions they go fight or flight. Example: lying (saying you didn't have an affair with Linda from HR may give you an edge now, but its self destructive in the long run). They struggle with time, self-awareness, and accountability: See closeness as control, expecting others to do all the emotional work and reflect instead of being themselves, bad empaths (can be dark empaths too-even more dangerous). Don't repair broken relationships(focused on how people make them look in public or less than), Main goal is easing their own issues and anxiety, they don't bat an eyelash if their kids or spouse get hurt in the process. 

EI parents use emotional contagion to articulate their own needs (kids do when they need something, like a diaper change or when they're tired). It ain't so cute when a 50' something graying hag does it to her kids. They act out in flashes of anger or frustration expecting their kids to soothe them(like how a divorced mother expects her eldest to vouch for her even tho he looked right through her contagion and said fuckkkk no! and she goes ballistic, all harleen quinzel all over the place). Basially EI parents want to help themselves; they aren't capable of caring for anyone else(exeptions exist). 

 

The symptoms of an Emotional Parent include (but aren’t limited to):

Just as their name suggests, the Emotional Parent’s actions, outlooks, and behaviors are fuelled primarily by their emotions. They “react” instead of “respond” to situations in often unpredictable and chaotic ways. Similar to the disorganized attachment style, the Emotional Parent may push for overwhelming closeness on one occasion but suddenly pull back without warning. Manipulation and other emotional tactics are frequently used against their children to get what they want.

The Emotional Parent views their child as either their “rescuer” or “abandoner” as they need their child to balance their feelings. If their child enters–even slightly–into the abandoner role they may be treated as though their actions are catastrophic and unforgivable.

The child of an Emotional Parent never knows what to expect, resulting in high levels of anxiety and even fear. Such children may end up embodying all their caregivers’ distress, frustration, disappointment, and anger. They feel as though they’re constantly walking on eggshells–because they are.

In line with the theory of transgenerational attachment, children of Emotional Parents may be more likely to develop the disorganized attachment style. Therefore, as adults, they may potentially parent the same way unless they develop self-awareness and strategies for change (sometimes therapy is needed to do so).

The symptoms of a Driven Parent include (but aren’t limited to):

From the outside in, Driven Parents can seem like successful achievers. They know what they want and they get it done. Such caregivers have all the right answers and goals for their lives–and for their children’s. Independence and self-reliance are highly important to Driven Parents; they spent their life doing things by themselves so they don’t need the assistance of others now. Unsurprisingly, it’s likely that Driven Parents may have grown up in an emotionally lacking household–similar to those with the avoidant attachment style.

Ironically, children of Driven Parents may end up lacking goal-orientation and motivation. They have been taught to adopt the same goals and motives in life that their caregivers have, so when they don’t pick a direction their caregiver approves of, they feel disapproval, shame, and as though they can’t do anything right. Plus, comfort and empathy are not typically given by their caregivers, so they have to self-soothe their distress from an early age.

The symptoms of a Passive Parent include (but aren’t limited to):

The Passive Parent can be self-involved and self-centered. For this reason, they tend to take a permissive approach to parenting their children and may even come across as warm and playful. Although the Passive Parent may not be as outwardly damaging as the other forms of EIP, this form of parenting still has markedly negative effects.

For example, a Passive Parent may turn a blind eye to forms of abuse or neglect because they prefer to minimize the severity of the situation. They may also choose partners who are equally as emotionally immature as they are. Therefore, when life becomes difficult, they prefer to deny or withdraw from the problem–thus, the child is left to deal with the aftermath.

Passive parents are capable of being empathetic, but not if it means sacrificing their own needs to do so. Finally, the children of Passive Parents may feel directionless and passive in their own lives; they’ve never had guidance or healthy modeling from their caregiver so they grow into “lost” adults.

The symptoms of a Rejecting Parent include (but aren’t limited to):

Rejecting parents dislike emotional closeness and intimacy. They prefer a “hands-off” approach to parenting, especially towards their childrens’ emotional needs. They prefer alone time to being around their family and put up strict, impassible boundaries.

From an early age, the children of Rejecting Parents understand that their parents prefer not to be bothered by their attention. Such children sense that they are an “annoyance” or a “bother.” Therefore, to avoid their parents’ anger or rejection, these children avoid approaching them when they need comfort, affection, or compassion. Otherwise, they risk their caregivers’ stern wrath. Rejecting Parents do not lead a democratic household–they rule the roost and everyone–especially their children–understands this. 

That's it from me. Hope this provides some clarity :)

Very informative account by hawking sahb. He went all the way to physical arrows governing space time and the human mind. String theory and philosophy regarding God's place in all of this. Black holes and quantum mechanics was the main focus of this book.  

It took me over 5 months to get over this book and now that I've read it, I have to say that it was profound and impactful to say the least. The main gist of it was how traumatic events alter the biology of our brains leading to behavioral and emotional dysregulation. It also discussed alot of instances where people responded well to IFS and EMDR therapy just to get back in touch with their bodies that they've dissociated from. I read that people who can't talk about their trauma tend to act it out and by associating a memory with an impactful event, trauma survivors lose their individual hysterical symptoms and obtain the ability to react to past events and stimuli organically. With these psychology books, the one thing that sticks is that letting your emotions flow and pass is a sure fire way of getting back to normalcy and be mindful, even Rumi agrees!, speaking of which, meditation teaches us to be mindful of ourselves so we can stay calm when in stressful situations or even things that don't need a response since PTSD causes a person to overreact to a small stimulus to protect the mind and body from harm. All this is a part of dialectical behavioral therapy(DBT). Personally for me, IFS(internal family systems therapy) is a therapy technique designed to unpolarize different facets of your personality and prevents them from fighting with eachother(like how your emotions get jumbled up/get mixed feelings, like for example your urge to protect someone collides with your rage due to unresolved past events that you didn't pay attention to fixing). The goal of IFS is to promote self-leadership(you're incharge of you, it helps harmonize the different sub- personalities in your subconsciousness). Also, there was some chapter(it talked about how acting can help you become more stable) which discussed about something called "structures". Lemme break it down, structures in acting therapy are when you recreate past altercations/traumatic events and get someone to play those parts but the script is changed in the 2nd act to give the poor guy some closure(like how you have an emotionally unavailable pompous mom, with structures, you can pick someone from a crowd of actors and get them to act out the real shitty event and then the better event where she was good and listened etc). In a chapter called Neurofeedback, I learned how the brain responds to EEG and frequency therapies as alpha, beta and delta waves foreshadow how we're feeling(our brains are biophysical). Also, a term called "muscular bonding" was introduced where people from groups who had communal rituals(singing, marching or chanting) were intertwined with eachother(i don't believe in that shit tho lmao).

It was a very insightful book. You know those types which you're intrinsically aware of the things being discussed but you don't actively think about when it actually happens irl. Amanda retold a very profound series of accounts from survivors of various cult groups and presented them in a very digestible manner. The premise of the entire book revolves around cult affiliation(group affiliation), human psychology, brainwashing, unjustified prejudice, glossolalia, genocide and language performativity theory. It also tells us how everyday people end up in cults just to find a meaningful connection as we(humans) are programmed to be seekers of the unknown and social communes are a way to satisfy our emotional and religious needs. The book was written in the light of the writer's father's experiences which gave it a personal and professional outlook. Overall it was a good read but it was long overdue due to uni. 

Dr.Fouzia Saeed's in-depth analysis of the Lahore's infamous Red Light district gives rise to a myriad of questions. But she meticulously answers Them in great Detail. From breaking cultural taboos to delving deep into the complex history of Prostitution in south Asia while comparing it with state policies of the ancient times. It is evident that this domain has evolved into something intangible and continues to fester as something that cannot be curtailed. Fouzia questions the double standards imposed by tradition and culture that people mindlessly follow and proclaims the issues regarding this "false morality". This was a field research study which probed the cultural limitations of south Asian Muslims. All in all, the main point I got from it was that the men of this region contort Islam into a crutch through which they corroborate their explicit behaviour while keeping the opposite gender forever in need of resources. It touched on the rights of transvestites and women alike as well as the Strange sub-culture of the shahi mohalla which questioned the patriarchal mindset of the people involved. 

This autobiography entails the strife of an Indian-American Neurosurgeon 'Paul Kalanthini ' who suffered from lung cancer in his late 30s while juggling the aspects of existentialism and facing death. He held a book closeby authored by Sir Thomas Browne called 'Religio Medici' which recapitulates on Paul's story since it was a spiritual account of a physician learning about humanity and humility while keeping his hubris aside for the good of his patients. Spiritualism played a great deal in this account along with an organic perspective on living life. In the end, Dr. Kalanthini faced great adversity health-wise but never backed down since he knew that it would do no good. However he accepted his fate and tried earnestly to support his wife and child to secure their futures. He cried at his prognosis,he cried at the hospital, he cried with his spouse Lucy but never gave up. In the end, the message of this book Is to live life to the fullest regardless of dire circumstances. Modern science can only do so much, but it can never replicate or measure humanity at it's core. Apart from some rlly fun medicos lingo, the book was really philosophical to say the least. Also I keep forgetting the info when I read books so imma just state My favourite term and quote. 1) psychogenic trauma 
When a patient and their family is dazed by the prognosis. 
2) You can't ever reach perfection, but you can believe in an asymptote toward which you are ceaselessly striving. Human knowledge is never contained in one person. It grows from the relationships we create between each other and the world, and still it is never complete.