A review by oofym
Schoolgirl by Osamu Dazai

emotional reflective sad slow-paced
  • Plot- or character-driven? Character
  • Strong character development? No
  • Loveable characters? No
  • Diverse cast of characters? No
  • Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.25

What a bummer; in a good way. This was a neurotic read. 

I rarely listen to audio books but this was a special occasion, I'm about half way through 'The setting sun' by Osamu Dazai but I needed to go do other stuff, Dazai's writing however was so engrossing and had me in such a particular state of mind that I decided to listen to another of his stories while I was up and about. I'm glad I did, 'School girl' felt like the Japanese adolescent's equivalent of 'Notes from the underground'.

I hate myself for being able to relate so much to certain parts of the narrative, I can safely say that if I'd read this story a couple years ago it wouldn't of been good for my already crumbling mental state. I'm glad I got to read it at my current age, now that I'm alot more stable and less prone to self-criticism, although not really.
There was a passage in this story however that really really got me, I think it made me realise a bit that even to this day I'm still escaping something, I'm still a daydreamer who lives in my own fictional mental construct 90% of the time. It was when the narrator begins to talk about books: 

"I had a strange thought. Given my lack of experience, if my books were taken away from me, I would be utterly devastated. That's how much I depend on what's written in books. I'll read one book and be completely wild about it—I'll trust it, I'll assimilate it, I'll sympathize with it, I'll try to make it a part of my life. Then, I'll read another book and, instantly, I'll switch over to that one. The sly ability to steal someone else's experience and recreate it as if it were my own is the only real talent I possess. Really, though, my guile is so bogus as to be offensive. If I were to experience failure upon failure day after day— nothing but total embarrassment—then perhaps I'd develop some semblance of dignity as a result. But no, I would somehow illogically twist even such failures, gloss over them smoothly, so that it would seem like they had a perfectly good theory behind them. And I would have no qualms about putting on a desperate show to do so. (I'm sure I've even read these same words before in some book.) Really, I don't know which is the true me. What ever will I do when there aren't any more books to read, or when I can't find another role model to imitate? Probably just wither away, helpless and sniveling profusely".

I don't know, it just kind of hit me how sad it is to be the sort of book worm that I am, a head constantly buried in pages to escape everything else around them. And then when I am forced to face the real world, I'm just a culmination; a paper mache of ideas, thoughts and characters I've pilfered from books. How much of me is the real me? And how much is just a poorly constructed amalgamation of things that aren't original or my own.
 
I really just want to help the narrator of this story, and I think that's because I'm constantly reminded of a younger me. Everything she says is filled with self-loathing, anxiety, spite and confusion at the world around her. There's this constant need she feels to construct an image of herself that's presentable, that isn't goofy or silly or prone to outbursts, but in the end she's only a teenage girl and she will inevitably do something that isn't seen as smart or serious, and then this creates this constant battle between how you think and how you act, you might want to appear educated, refined and well put together, but something in your instincts pulls you in a different direction; leads you down a path you didn't want to go down - only for you to critisise yourself later that night and then repeat the process the next day. This is obviously Dazai inserting himself into the story here, as far as I've gathered in his real life he presented himself as a total class clown, a funny and silly person that was always happy to be the butt of a joke. But in his private life and in his writing he was insurmountably depressed and loathed every action he'd ever made. Eventually leading to his own suicide.

It's rough, I need stop inserting myself into every story I read but I really do relate to him in that regard. Dostoyevsky said "Being overly conscious is a sickness, a real disease" and I couldn't agree more. I mean jeez I don't know what repressed emotions this story brought out of me but at this point I'm just venting for my own sake. I still struggle so much with resenting most things I do. I'll go to work, have a good day, and then come home and regret everything I said and did. I'll feel the need to punish myself for jokes I made, or want to escape into some ethereal other world simply because I had an awkward interaction 10 hours ago. I'll go out with friends and then never want to see them again because in my opinion I was "too stupid", "too silly". Hell I'll send a text and then get woken up at midnight because my sub conscious has decided I must have said something wrong in it. I have this constant fear of annoying others, of being observed or thought about. It's hard sometimes.

There's a big section at the end of this story which was like a punch in the gut to me, it sort of hurt to even hear it. It made me think of those teenage years where I was so so deadset on taking my own life, and i think the way Dazai puts it in this story was really something.


"Nobody in the world understood our suffering. In time, when we became adults, we might look back on this pain and loneliness as a funny thing, perfectly ordinary, but—but how were we expected to get by, to get through this interminable period of time until that point when we were adults? There was no one to teach us how. Was there nothing to do but leave us alone, like we had the measles? But people died from the measles, or went blind. You couldn't just leave them alone. Some of us, in our daily depressions and rages, were apt to stray, to become corrupted, irreparably so, and then our lives would be forever in disorder. There were even some who would resolve to kill themselves. And when that happened, everyone would say, Oh, if only she had lived a little longer she would have known, if she were a little more grown up she would have figured it out. How saddened they would all be. But if those people were to think about it from our perspective, and see how we had tried to endure despite how terribly painful it all was, and how we had even tried to listen carefully, as hard as we could, to what the world might have to say, they would see that, in the end, the same bland lessons were always being repeated over and over, you know, well, merely to appease us. And they would see how we always experienced the same embarrassment of being ignored. It's not as though we only care about the present. If you were to point to a faraway mountain and say, If you can make it there, it's a pretty good view, I'd see that there's not an ounce of untruth to what you tell us. But when you say, Well, bear with it just a little longer, if you can make it to the top of that mountain, you'll have done it, you are ignoring the fact that we are suffering from a terrible stomach-ache right now. Surely one of you is mistaken to let us go on this way. You're the one who is to blame.....
Sometimes happiness arrives one night too late. The thought occurred to me as I lay there. You wait and wait for happiness, and when finally you can't bear it any longer, you rush out of the house, only to hear later that a marvelous happiness arrived the following day at the home you had abandoned, and now it was too late. Sometimes happiness arrives one night too late. Happiness..."

The story ends very shortly after this section, to say it left a bitter taste in my mouth would be an understatement, I think this ruined my day.