"Pansies" is officially in my top three favourite Alexis Hall novels. Right behind "Glitterland" and "Waiting for the Flood": all of them Spires novels, yes, I know.
I think this series, this kind of romance, is where Alexis Hall truly shines for me: their words, the character building, the relationship and emotional arcs... I love everything about the Spires world, and despite truly loving only 3/5 of the Spires novels and novellas now out in the world (yeah, I wasn't keen on "For Real" and "Chasing the Light" was despicable), I'm OBSESSED with this series as a whole. There's something truly magical about it, and I'll be forever grateful I finally decided to take the plunge and dive into this wonderful, emotional, interconnected universe.

Back to "Pansies"... I was a bit worried initially, because like I said, "For Real" wasn't that great for me, and because AH is always a bit of mixed bag: some things they write manage to change the course of my damn life; other things make me want to become a banshee or smash my bedroom in rage/frustration. I think its mainly because their brand of humour is slightly too mean for my liking, so when we finally get an MC like Alfie, who's an idiot, yes, a trying-to-redeem-himself ex-bully idiot, who's also, most importantly, real and relatable and messy and flawed and precious and human and loving and gentle, I definitely don't stand a chance.
Alfie's a walking contradiction of messiness, internalized homophobia and emotional suppression, but he's also a work-in-progress and while he, also, still does hurtful, shitty things at times, he isn't mean and that makes a difference to me, in terms of loving a book and its protagonist.
Or, I think, he's held accountable for the hurtful stuff he says, by his author yes, but also, by Fen and mainly himself, and that makes a world of difference to me from, say, Luc *seething noises* (okay, yes, maybe I shouldn't constantly bring up the BM/HM world, but this is my review and I'll do as I please lol) (also, I'm still bitter about HM, can't you tell? lol)

Anyway, back to "Pansies"... I loved it. It's a magical, emotional chunk of a book, and it flows like a goddamn dream. I wasn't ready to leave Alfie nor Fen anytime soon: I loved them so, so, so much, and I adored seeing their relationship blossom.
I never know what to think of a bully/victim romance: in theory, it should make me uncomfortable (and this one did, in the sense that it made me think really hard about accountability and the way people can change, and also about the fact that I've never forgiven my childhood bully, and I probably never will, and that's okay too!), but in practice, I love a good grovel in my romances and an MC trying really hard to earn back trust is what I live for. Yes, I'm an angst girlie.
I think Hall did a MARVELOUS job at portraying this particular dynamic, and at portraying Alfie and Fen trying to navigate the world of hurt Alfie inflicted on Fen when they were children: it's realistic and very human, packed with contradictions (and unapologetic at that; humans are wonderfully complicated and messy, and romances SHOULD reflect that too), ups-and-downs, and a boatload of "I'm trying, I'm not sure it will be enough, but I'll try anyway". I loved that aspect of their relationship, and I loved seeing how human both Fen and Alfie were in their struggles to overcome their shared past.

Their romance was fabulous: I was obsessed with how obsessed they were for each other from the very beginning. I love two characters who are absolutely WHIPPED for one another, and that's both Fen and Alfie. They made me swoon and blush and sigh and growl in frustration and then swoon some more. I loved their conversations and I loved seeing them slowly open up to each other: everything about their dynamic never felt forced nor unrealistic; it just felt very human, but also, very, very magical too.

As individuals, both of them shine so much. I loved Fen: I felt really close to him, despite not having his POV chapters, and it was kinda hard seeing myself in him, in his grief, in the fact that he doesn't seem to recognize himself anymore and he's kinda stuck and he really doesn't know how to move past loss and get a semblance of a life back, and it was also kind of cathartic and very emotional to do so too. He's more on the spectrum of Hall's "mean, prickly characters" I was describing before, but he also holds himself accountable and he definitely knows when he's lashing out out of anger/spite/hurt, and that makes a world of difference as well. Anyway, I really loved him.
I also adored Alfie with my whole heart: he's that special kind of character that ALWAYS manages to burrow themselves in my heart. Stubborn, quietly clever, competent but also a freaking mess too, a walking contradiction of confidence, delusion and crippling insecurity; like Fen, he also lashes out, but he's also, so freaking gentle he made me want to tear my hair out; and squeal in my pillow. He's trying, so so so hard, and UGHHHHH, I loved that so much.
I don't know what to do with myself now: I mess being in Alfie's head.

I think this book would have been a full five-star rating, if only a couple of things had been addressed a smidge more: mainly, Alfie's own pain and past. I was waiting for the moment he and Fen finally addressed the big elephant in the room (the fact that Alfie's been practically, quietly, shamefully disowned by his parents, and he's hurting so much because of it), but that moment never came, and it made me sad. Lots of Alfie's own internalized homophobia, his relationship with his parents, his brother, his town, hell, even his exes, is left unsaid (or, actually, Alfie does say it, but in his head, and it's never touched upon with Fen) and that was a shame. I kept waiting for that moment, but it never came.

Oh well, like I said, this is a small niggle I had, and it didn't take away from my enjoyment of the book: I still don't know what to do with myself now that it's finished. I'll probably spend the next few years until Dom the Dom's book and Niall's book (I'm very, very curious about that one, knowing

his love interest is Fen's ex, David

) re-reading these books. I cann0t wait (also, where do I sign a petition to get Greg's book too?).

Many thanks to Netgalley for the ARC. This is my honest review.