This was an ALC option from Libro.fm last month. Yes, you read that right. I listened to this within a month of receiving it; I am amazing. But for real, I picked it up that fast entirely due to a glowing review from @paigerraigerreads, so credit where it's due. 

 

The short version of the Goodreads book blurb, which absolutely sums up the heart of the book, is: "A deeply transformative memoir that reframes how we think about death and how it can help us lead better, more fulfilling and authentic lives, from America’s most visible death doula." And like I said, that really encapsulates everything in this memoir. 

 

In each chapter, Arthur shares with the reader how her work as a death doula was inspired, informed by, changed, or shed light on a variety of other aspects of her life...and vice versa. She gets incredibly personal and vulnerable in these pages, talking about her family's experience fleeing a coup in 1980s Ghana, her parents religious conversions and growing up in conservative white America, caregiving as her friend/brother-in-law slowly died from cancer, balancing the need to make a living/familial expectations with her own wants (which, for her many years as a practicing lawyer, leaned heavily towards the former), her varied (solo) travels and unique life experiences (the kind that result from a somewhat impetuous and spontaneous personality), and, as a major connecting theme, her struggles with major depression. And as she introduces these parts of herself, she matches them with clients she has worked with as a death doula, and the way the lessons from each have interwoven in ways that have helped her figure out how to live her own life to the fullest.     

 

I may have misread the blurb just a bit, and didn't realize how heavily memoir this would be, so that took a hot minute to adjust to. I was expecting more of a focus on "lessons for how to live" for the general populace, based on what she's seen during her work as a death doula. And while we eventually got there, the start, at least, was mostly memoir. However, her life and travels are so fascinating that it was, even still, a quick and easy expectations-adjustment to make as a reader. Also, the writing was so personable. It's clear and well-paced and flows *and* Arthur's own voice is palpable on the page. There is nothing clinical or studied about these words; it feels as though she is really just having a conversation with you, as the reader. And that was the perfect style for the content she covers. Plus, I do love a well used swear, and she drops them perfectly. 

 

Really, for a book about dying and other serious topics (like depression), the vibe was so comfortable and (mostly) light. I can only assume this is Arthur's personal light shining through. And it leaves no doubt as to why she has been so successful in her work as a death doula. Her ability to see the best in each person's self and eccentricity is touching and inspiring. And doing that while maintaining her own boundaries when it becomes necessary, but in a way that still allows the dying person/their family to experience dying on their own terms, is incredibly admirable. She also conveys so much infectious enthusiasm and boundless emotion in all cases. The full-bodied excitement in, jumping between and knowledge about passions - that are maybe sometimes seen as flighty until the right fit hits - is so familiar (*cough* my partner *cough*) that I couldn't help but be endeared to Arthur.  

 

As to the expected life lessons and overall commentary on life/death, Arthur did deliver as I'd hoped. I'm just going to list out all the things that I loved, or that hit me deeply, because they're all wonderful, but also topically all over the place.   

- You can’t live someone’s life for them, and neither can you die their death. You have to respect a WHOLE person, allowing them to be their full self in death (even and especially if they couldn’t in life) and respect their wishes on when to push and when not to. You must embrace the WHOLE self, the richness of truth that is celebrating a person's best parts and acknowledging/accepting when they weren’t at their best. 

- Arthur’s addressing of race and inequality and culture, the way they persist in death as they did in life, is sooooo important. Death is not, in fact, “the great equalizer,” in terms of systemic/institutional barriers. 

- It's hard, but I appreciate the space she made for difficult death situaions, like babies/young people, suicide/OD, violence. And I *love* the honoring of the multiple (legit) reactions to death, despite the cultural norms to "not speak ill of" them. Arthur acknowledges that dying does not make a person better or erase the pain they caused, and there is no rule that says death deserves forgiveness and grief. There are many complications in loving someone who has hurt others (or ourselves), and we deserve to grieve in whatever way we need to. 

- The conversation about the ableism inherent in death decisions was fascinating. When we say things like "let me go when I can’t communicate anymore,” we dismiss that many disabled people have developed such creative ways of communicating and you are literally saying you'd rather die than live within someone else's everyday reality. I had never thought about this before and I have been sitting with it quite a bit. 

- Toxic self-reliance. There's a thing I really need to do some self-introspection around. What an interesting discussion. 

- Oh, the way that for all her experience working with death, Arthur talks about how she still cannot know the answers to what is in the unknown afterlife, something people (her clients, often) crave to know so badly. How do you help people through something you have no idea about. And yet, she’s so clear and up front about it, trying to guide people through it on their own, to get what they need to accept what's coming. Beautiful. 

- The final chapter, in which Arthur shares her own “what I picture my death being” is profound and touching on an unexpected level. 

- How often have I personally complained about, or heard others wish, that there was a person/time/place which had taught us more about how to navigate major life things (getting insurance, paying taxes, signing a kid up for school, buying a home, etc.)? Like these are things that everyone has to do, but somehow, they are never explained, nor do guidelines exist for them anywhere in common awareness. And of course, death has enough paperwork and logistics and BS that you aren’t ever taught/shown, and then are expected to know how to handle while also in the throws of grief. So, like, I love this idea of a death doula to guide through that process. And I wish that existed for other life things too...  

 

I mean, I can see how Aruther is a fantastic death doula. Everything she communicates in these pages, she does with such a personable and endearing air, even, especially, the difficult and unknowable parts. And the "main" message, of not waiting until it’s too late to live the way you want, because life is right now (tomorrow is always a day away), is articulated and emphasized spectacularly. The experience of assisting people in getting to have the death experience they want (and allowing their loved ones to grieve without needing to focus on the checklist of tasks that accompany death) is a privilege that Arthur so clearly is passionate about and doesn't take for granted. The idea of living and dying out loud is one that will definitely stay with me, after reading Arthur's words. I had no idea that death doulas were a thing prior to this memoir, but I love that they are, and I love these insights/lessons shared with us as a result!  

 

“I immediately wonder why we don’t make space for people to talk about the questions that lie heaviest on their hearts. Maybe because we think it is too painful to hear. […] We all know what’s going on, but no one is saying. […] When someone is dying, this evasion is a form of existential gaslighting.” 

 

“Societally, we shun conversations about death. […] Human beings are funny that way. Our clear inadequacy and powerlessness in the face of death is a reminder of our limitations. And understandably, that is scary. But the idea of death is a seed. When that seed is carefully tended, life grows like wildflowers in its pace. The only thing in our control is how we choose to engage with our mortality once we become aware of it.” 

 

“Mind over matter does not always produce the intended result. […] The mind is powerful. But the mind can’t do it all.” 

 

“When we avoid children’s questions about death, we inadvertently communicate that they should shove their scary thoughts down. The ultimately reinforces a death-phobic culture.” 

 

“And what the fuck kind of society understands the universality of a painful experience but does next to nothing about it?” 

 

“It’s important not to conflate others’ experience with your own, because then we give them what we would want for ourselves rather than what they need.” And “For people on their deathbeds, serving their needs is all we can do.” (This whole section about empathy, and how we should actually aim for compassion – to “show up and shut up” – is fantastic.) 

 

“I am exasperated that people believe death is the great equalizer. Yes, we all die, but we die of different causes at different rates in different ways. There is nothing equal about death, except that we all do it. Death and dying are culturally constructed processes that reflect social power dynamics – they are unequal. How we die is wrapped up largely in the intersections of our identities. […] We are not all born the same, and we do not live or die the same.” 

 

“The capacity to hurt others, after all, is as human as the capacity to be hurt.” 

 

“There must be a word for the grief we experience over the life we thought we should have, events that never happened, stories that didn’t have the happy ending. At every step in our path, some possibilities die behind us while others bloom before us, and in every transition, even the joyful ones, there is grief.” 

 

“Change is a god we must bow to.” 

 

“The true cost of anything is how much life we give in exchange for it.” (Life = Time. OMG what a point.) 

 

“Most of us know what tickles us. We can identify activities, or parts thereof, which bring us wonder and bring us a feeling of flow and ease. And as we stumble upon new things, we know the undeniable instinct which says lean into this – to a person, an idea, a place, or a way we feel about ourselves. Yet so many of us wait to take that step toward it, procrastinating our whole lives long. We wait until tomorrow, but no one is ever guaranteed a tomorrow. The consequences for waiting can be irreversible.” 

 

“People die from all types of things, not just illness, where we have a chance to say goodbye and regard it as a natural process of the body. All command attention, grief, softness, and mercy. And all are sacred, deserving of honor and sanctity.” 

 

“Societally, […] we celebrate wellness and leave no space for sorrow, brokenness, grief or anything other than ‘I’m fine’ when the truth is that life is complicated, painful, and difficult. Whole humans feel a whole range of emotions, but we applaud only half of them, driving our negatively perceived emotions deep into hiding for fear of judgement. There, they are safe to fester and grow stronger, which in turn drives us to hide them more.” 

 

“Wounds created by the dying aren’t erased by their death.” 

 

“We leave a legacy with every word, every smile, every action, and every inaction. It’s not optional. Or legacies can be big or small. What matters is that we will all touch someone. How we do it is up to us.” 

 

“The death of someone does not require that we forgive them is it doesn’t serve us. As long as we are at peace with the choice we have made, that’s all that matters.” 

 

“All we know is that everything ends. Our collective death denial inspires us to behave like we can live forever. But we don’t have forever to create the life we want.” 

 

“We can spend our lives fretting about our deaths, or we can use our brief time to sink deeper into the experience of being human, for all it entails. […] What must I do to be at peace with myself so that I may live presently and die gracefully?” 

 

“A daily practice of being with mortality gives us the glorious opportunity to refine our priorities, redefine our values, and bring wonder and mystery to this wild ride of our unique lives.” 

 

“This is what I wish for all of us: a life that feels like the miracle it is and a death that serves as a period on a satisfying sentence. Because we live, we get to die. That is a gift.”