CW: homophobia & internalised homophobia, heroin addiction, suicidal ideation, mental illness, self-harm. 

 

I'm really disappointed that I didn't love this book as much as I wanted to but it definitely wasn't the worst thing I've read and it wasn't all bad.

Throughout the book, Miaojin weaves a recurring image of crocodiles that act and look like humans. I loved this use of surrealism as a way to communicate the hardships faced by LGBTQIA+ individuals when finding one's place. While the story itself is an account of the protagonist's experience, the crocodile imagery can very much pertain to the whole LGBTQIA+ community. It highlights constant attempts to pass of as "normal" in a society that shuns differences. I really think the crocodile imagery is this book's highlight and my rating is likely due to its genius though, it alone deserves 5 stars in my eyes.

The style of writing in this book was also quite interesting and changed depending on the circumstances. Between being very personal to sardonic to poetic to satirical, it made the reading experience seem more personal like reading into someone's scattered thoughts in an actual diary (almost biographical in nature supported by minor details like age and going to Europe). Some passages seemed to have been written immediately after the events or during them, others seemed to be written later with the advantage of hindsight. Depending on what was used, they elicited different emotions.
 The entries in this book were also written in many different ways such as journal, epistolary, reportage and conversations. These formats paired with Miaojin's writing style made for an interesting atmosphere and reading experience.

However, while I was genuinely enjoying the book and was expecting to give it 5 stars, the 20% mark totally threw me off (Meng Sheng sent her a fingertip and basically stalked her and she's just gonna become pals with him? The dialogue between these two was also pretty bad). Strange scenes like this kept arising at times and I didn't really understand their purpose other to perhaps show that the characters suffer from mental illness. In terms of plot there wasn't much going on to really keep me invested and it was way too melodramatic for my taste (though quite self-aware). While the protagonist was complex and multifaceted, she didn't leave much room to be liked. She was bold about being a lesbian but then would hide and destroy any chances for a potential partner. As a matter of fact, most of the characters were rather self-sabotaging and nihilistic, which while it made for an interesting perspective, did not allow me to like any of them. Some of their actions like sleeping together to see if they could both get rid of their feelings for the same sex where a bit strange (justifiable to an extent but uncomfortable all the same). I do, however, understand that their self-hatred was used as a coping mechanism (albeit an unhealthy one) propagated by the constraints of a closed off, heteronormative society. The theme of individual versus society was an interesting one explored through the characterisation of these protagonists and Lazi's self reflections.

Overall, Notes of a Crocodile was impactful in some areas namely the crocodile imagery, the struggle of accepting and coming to terms with your sexuality and mental illness, but I did not love it as much as I wanted to. Personally, it lacked a clear direction despite the conversations that were brought up (while this can be due to the diary format, unfortunately, some of it was just a wee bit all over the place). 

Despite this, I'm glad I read it, it's a cult queer classic for a reason. I also think it will require a re-read in the future with a more in depth analysis.