I have a confession to make. I know you will read it and, at best, look at me askance. At worst, you might dismiss me entirely and I will never again be part of your life. And that will be sad. But I've confessed it aloud already, to my pastor's wife, no less. She prayed hard for me and anointed me with oil and that gives me the peace to put it out there for the whole world. In the whole of the bible the character I identify with the most, the person whose story captures me and won't let me go, is the Prodigal's Older Brother.

Do you know it? Luke 15:11-32. Particularly this part: “The older brother stalked off in an angry sulk and refused to join in. His father came out and tried to talk to him, but he wouldn’t listen. The son said, ‘Look how many years I’ve stayed here serving you, never giving you one moment of grief, but have you ever thrown a party for me and my friends? Then this son of yours who has thrown away your money on whores shows up and you go all out with a feast!’

It's not inspirational, or moving, or beautiful. It's ugly and base. And until Emily P. Freeman's book came along, I didn't realize it. I only knew that every time the Parable of the Lost Son came up, I couldn't get what people clearly meant me to get. I intellectually understood the analogy, of course. I got that. But even as whatever it was, sermon, article, conversation, whatever, moved on, I was left with a hollow feeling. What about the brother? WHAT. ABOUT. THE BROTHER?! But I knew that was a terrible thing to think, and so I kept it a secret.

Grace for the Good Girl didn't start well for me. I began it in the wee hours of the morning in late September and immediately went into skim mode. Freeman came across as the type of woman I neither like nor wish to be like--all striving and perky and excellently put together, covered in monograms and Vera Bradley prints and making sure you know it. See how obnoxious I am? See how I've been ostracized for so long that not only do I not even attempt to fit in anymore, I'll peremptorily reject you so you don't get the chance to not let me fit in with you? The Holy Spirit, however, rejects no one and never gives up. And, late one other night very recently, there was nothing to do but open the kindle to read it.

And I read it. And through the humblebraggadocio emerged a complete picture of a woman just like me-- whose signs and signifiers were Sorority Girl instead of Sci-Fi Geek. I too was, and still am, a "good" girl. I've had a few wild times but they're only wild to me, if everybody else is telling the truth. I grew up in church. I toed all the lines. I didn't party, do a bunch of drugs, have a lot of sex. None of the stuff that makes for a "powerful testimony" as they say, apply to me. I was the Older Brother, out working hard (even if it was for my self and not my Heavenly Father) while the other kids partied until they couldn't party no more, then came home to love, acceptance and parties. Resentments are petty and ugly. Neither Freeman nor I would make any bones about that. And we all deal with our pain and separation differently-- some of us by being so "good" and diligent that we fail to appreciate all the love and acceptance around us all the time.

I reached the halfway point of Freeman's book about 4:00 a.m. two weeks ago and absolutely couldn't read another word. I was crying so hard I had to get out of bed and go find a quiet place to sob, on my face, to Jesus. To ask Him, for real, to let me come home in a meaningful way and to let me realize the amazingness of His grace and the wonder of His mercy. I let it ride there, for a little while, as I completed the Living in Freedom Everyday bible study, which echoed so much of what I had just learned. And as I moved into the retreat phase-- an intense weekend of confession, prayer, and worship, it all started coming together. I was able to get all the good girl out, the striving girl who tried so, so hard so that she might have a friend; the young woman who turned her back on God because she didn't trust Him with her timeline; the overwhelmed wife and mother who knew enough to be grateful and to reach out but who couldn't cross the line into deep trust.

I finished the book with a sense of peace, able to see past my preconceived notions and learn from what Freeman had to teach. I was actually disappointed when the book ended-- my version has a section for small group leaders and I thought I would get to read several more chapters of teaching. Ah well. Overall, an excellent book when pursued at the right time and in the right frame of mind. I pray that it reaches you if and when it needs to and that you will be open to the Holy Spirit working in you through it.