It's 5am on Saturday 14th January 2023 and I haven't been able to go to sleep for a few hours. I got this out of the library since there's not much else to do at silly o clock in the weekend and just seeing how much I highlighted and bookmarked and all the passages that spoke to me so clearly back then made me revisit my goodreads to make sure it was a 5 star. And it wasn't. And yes there are flaws to it but I can't give it less than the full rating knowing how much I come back to this book for comfort.

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I just how cute and adorable this book is, it's such a great one to go for if you're in need of a fun and fluffy romance which still has a realness to it.

'What's that thing you wrote about Simon once, that his eyes followed Baz "like he was the brightest thing in the room, like he cast everything else into shadow?" That's you. You can't look away from him.'

I mean, when I read this last year I couldn't help but feel deprived because I've never had a moment like this, but also that I'd hopefully have this kind of connection with someone some point soon just to see what it was like and not have to wonder about it any more. A year later and nothing's changed unfortunately XD. But can you imagine lighting up this much when someone walks into a room? It sounds so magical and Rowell definitely has a way with words that just takes you in and makes you feel all gooey inside.

I also had that sense of kinship with our protagonist, Cather Avery, 18 years old and in her first year at university. I'm really happy I read this when I was in the same boat, I remember it making me feel like I wasn't entirely alone in my feelings. I'm definitely a lot more like Cath than her twin, Wren, in a lot of respects, although I wish I was as talented at writing as she evidently is! Her moments of complete social anxiety and closing herself off in her room because she's worried about how she'll come across to other people, that was me for a lot of first year and it's not completely gone away, even a year and a half later. I also adored her love of the Simon Snow (pretty much a Harry Potter equivalent) and her embracing of the fandom through fan-fiction. I think what made it so much more enjoyable in this book, in comparison to 'Geekerella' which I read a month or so ago, was that Cath was more than just this person who loves a franchise. She:
- Loves to write
- Cares deeply for those she loves (especially her father and Wren)
- Closed off/ abrupt to people she doesn't know or those who have let her down before (when she first meets Levi, with her mother)
- Doubts herself a ton to the point that she can't get herself to finish an assignment because of potential failure
- Insecure but not in that way where you tend to have this beautiful protagonist who just doesn't know it. She's observant and she uses these observations to come to a conclusion, usually pessimistic ones, but they're not completely unfounded which is more than I can say for a heck of a lot of other YA.

I could go on to be honest but I'd probably exhaust the character count for this review. I just saw so much of myself in her, not everything, but more than in most characters I've read. I think the only other books where I've had similar feelings of 'relatability' as it were would be all the Sarah Dessen novels I used to read back in Year 8 or 9. I don't think I'd feel the same rereading them, but I know they meant a lot to me at the time. I guess this book is my university level equivalent.

This book isn't perfect. Wren, the 'outgoing' twin, really pissed me off with how she treated Cath. There's this sort of redemption moment but it falls flat to me to be honest. Up until that point, she pretty much acts like a complete jackass. While I really liked their father, it felt like the issues he was going through were sort of just thrown into the book and weren't explored as fully as I would have liked, especially for a book this long. There's not really any closure with their mother and all we get is that Cath really hates her and for some reason Wren doesn't and I would have liked to have seen Wren's logic with this because it never comes through. Additionally, as much as I enjoyed Rowell's writing with the fanfiction/Simon Snow bits in each chapter, they sort of just felt thrown in and didn't really match up with or even relate much to the main plot so quite a lot of the time I'd just skim so I could get to the 'relevant' storyline.

But then you get moments like this:

"I like your glasses," he said. "I like your Simon Snow T-shirts. I like that you don't smile at everyone, because then, when you smile at me.... Cather." He kissed her mouth. "Look at me."
She did.
"I choose you over everyone."

I feel like this just screams hopeless romantic and honestly, true. Bit too cynical to believe this would actually happen but it's just so adorably cute in this book that I basically will it to life whenever I read it. I mean if you just replaced Simon Snow with Harry Potter, and probably got rid of the bit about not smiling at everyone because I'm a fairly smiley person, I could basically replace Cather in this scene and have my own romantic moment vicariously through literature.

I lead a sad sad life XD

Well anyway, I think it's pretty clear that I really like this book. Having read it a second time round, I'd say it's probably a favourite! I don't think it's a 5 star book, as I mentioned before there are aspects which could have been dealt with a lot better/expanded on, but overall it's hard not to come away from this book and fall a little bit in love with some characters, and in hate with other characters. It makes you feel, a lot, which is perfect for fangirls and fanboys everywhere. I remember being a total fangirl for Harry Potter back in the day and the best thing about it was knowing that you felt so incredibly strongly about every aspect of Harry Potter and never getting bored of it. I still adore the series even if it has been a while since I last delved into it, but the all-consuming nature of my love for the series is something that's reserved for the person I was back in Year 9/10. It was great to read a book that brought those feelings back to me/ also made me realise just how inadequate my Drarry fanfic was in comparison to Cath's Simon/Baz fanfic (honestly my attempts were awful but I loved writing it and I'm not even ashamed [although that shit is not gonna be read by anyone else for the sake of my sanity]).

Overall, despite parts of the book not being particularly great, I've got to give this a 4-4.5 star. I loved reading it and I can definitely see myself rereading it again in the future. I might even try out 'Carry On, Simon' at some point! I think my only worry is that I tried to read 'Eleanor and Park' and 'Attachments' a few years ago and just never got into them. I hope my love of 'Fangirl' isn't just a one-off from the author? I guess I'll just have to pick up another book by Rainbow Rowell and see what happens :)