welcome to...OCTOBER TWIST.

this is project long classics, in which i read intimidating books over a whole month and my little treat is i get to come up with a title + time-based pun as i do so.

charles dickens books are some of the scariest of all, so only a truly irresistible (read: terrible) pun could convince me.

this has 53 chapters (ugh, it's almost like dickens didn't think about a 26 year old annoying person centuries in the future trying to divide evenly), so i'll read 2-ish per day.


CHAPTER 1: TREATS OF THE PLACE WHERE OLIVER TWIST WAS BORN AND OF THE CIRCUMSTANCES ATTENDING HIS BIRTH
why does this chapter title seem like dickens was immediately worried about hitting word count.

in this we establish that oliver twist's circumstances have been miserable from birth, other than the fact that his mom was hot.


CHAPTER 2: TREATS OF OLIVER TWIST'S GROWTH, EDUCATION, AND BOARD
there are little to no treats involved in either of these chapters, in case you were wondering. mostly just a lot of sarcastic comments about social issues in england.

please sir i want some more alert!


CHAPTER 3: REVEALS HOW OLIVER TWIST WAS VERY NEAR GETTING A PLACE, WHICH WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN A SINECURE
sometimes if you really, really don't want to do something, such as homework or being indentured to a chimney sweep, you can just cry a lot and hope to be too annoying to deal with.


CHAPTER 4: OLIVER, BEING OFFERED ANOTHER PLACE, MAKES HIS FIRST ENTRY INTO PUBLIC LIFE
would you rather be a coffin-maker or a chimney sweep? vibes are worse for a coffin-maker but i feel like the day-to-day is probably more chill than trying to dislodge ash or whatever.


CHAPTER 5: OLIVER MINGLES WITH NEW ASSOCIATES. GOING TO A FUNERAL FOR THE FIRST TIME, HE FORMS AN UNFAVORABLE NOTION OF HIS MASTER'S BUSINESS
how much do you want to bet the titular new associates are, like, rats or spiders or something to display just how miserable oliver's life is.

ah, no. it was just a mean guy i think.


CHAPTER 6: OLIVER, BEING GOADED BY THE TAUNTS OF NOAH, ROUSES INTO ACTION AND RATHER ASTONISHES HIM
this chapter is only a few pages long and basically covers what the title does (and just slightly more verbosely).


CHAPTER 7: OLIVER CONTINUES REFRACTORY
i feel like if i was a kid and i said to my friend "ok pal see you later, hope you're doing good" and they responded like "surely i won't do well by any means until the good lord sees it fit to call me back...for this world is cruel and punishing, and my suffering seems to abound..." i'd need to end that friendship.


CHAPTER 8: OLIVER WALKS TO LONDON. HE ENCOUNTERS ON THE ROAD A STRANGE SORT OF YOUNG GENTLEMAN
i love a good walk as much as the next person but 65 miles in the winter with only a crust of bread seems a bit much.


CHAPTER 9: CONTAINING FURTHER PARTICULARS CONCERNING THE PLEASANT OLD GENTLEMAN AND HIS HOPEFUL PUPILS
i just know adjectives hate to see charles dickens coming. anyway it appears oliver is on the cusp of joining london's old timey bling ring.


CHAPTER 10: OLIVER BECOMES BETTER ACQUAINTED WITH THE CHARACTERS OF HIS NEW ASSOCIATES; AND PURCHASES EXPERIENCE AT A HIGH PRICE. BEING A SHORT BUT VERY IMPORTANT CHAPTER IN THIS HISTORY
you're kidding me with this. now we're vouching for the quality of the chapters in their titles? this isn't even the shortest chapter so far. what are we doing here.

oliver just got bashed in the head (normal) and arrested for robbery (exceptional). you didn't have to tell me that the first entry on his felony record was "very important," chuck.


CHAPTER 11: TREATS OF MR. FANG, THE POLICE MAGISTRATE; AND FURNISHES A SLIGHT SPECIMEN OF HIS MODE OF ADMINISTERING JUSTICE
insane to name a bad guy "mr fang." i'm going to write a work of classic literature and name the villain "sir things-that-are-bad."


CHAPTER 12: IN WHICH OLIVER IS TAKEN BETTER CARE OF THAN HE EVER WAS BEFORE. AND IN WHICH THE NARRATIVE REVERTS TO THE MERRY OLD GENTLEMAN AND HIS YOUTHFUL FRIENDS
now oliver has been rescued by the man his colleagues robbed and spends his days laying bed and hanging out in the company of nice old ladies. otherwise known as the american dream.


CHAPTER 13: SOME NEW ACQUAINTANCES ARE INTRODUCED TO THE INTELLIGENT READER; CONNECTED WITH WHOM VARIOUS PLEASANT MATTERS ARE RELATED APPERTAINING TO THIS HISTORY
maybe i wouldn't complain so much about these chapter titles if all of them contained nice little compliments to me.

ok it appears this one was meant to be sarcastic. so never mind.


CHAPTER 14: COMPRISING FURTHER PARTICULARS OF OLIVER'S STAY AT MR BROWNLOW'S, WITH THE REMARKABLE PREDICTION WHICH ONE MR GRIMWIG OFFERED CONCERNING HIM WHEN HE WENT OUT ON AN ERRAND
okay. i get that oliver's life has been really hard. and far be it from me to be unsympathetic to a literary character (something i dabble in approximately every day of my life)...but this kid cries too damn much.


CHAPTER 15: SHOWING HOW VERY FOND OF OLIVER TWIST THE MERRY OLD JEW AND MISS NANCY WERE
slang used to be so much more fun and less coherent. ah yes, of course, "jerk the tinkler" meaning "ring the bell." why didn't you say so.


CHAPTER 16: RELATES WHAT BECAME OF OLIVER TWIST, AFTER HE HAD BEEN CLAIMED BY NANCY
clearly i am not the sweetest kindest largest-hearted reader in the world, but i'll get this on the record anyway: a book being as sad / tortuous as possible does not equal a plot to me.


CHAPTER 17: OLIVER'S DESTINY, CONTINUING UNPROPITIOUS, BRINGS A GREAT MAN TO LONDON TO INJURE HIS REPUTATION
seems like dickens didn't heed my last-chapter warning. this is just all religious children begging for god to grant them mercy in the form of a swift death and innocent children being anecdotally convicted of social crimes.


CHAPTER 18: HOW OLIVER PASSED HIS TIME IN THE IMPROVING SOCIETY OF HIS REPUTABLE FRIENDS
nothing scarier to charles dickens than a noun without a nearby adjective. anyway nothing happens in this chapter.


CHAPTER 19: IN WHICH A NOTABLE PLAN IS DISCUSSED AND DETERMINED ON
it basically goes without saying (check out some of these chapter titles!), but on top of this book being very boring and emotionally one-note so far, it's also wildly anti-semitic.


CHAPTER 20: WHEREIN OLIVER IS DELIVERED OVER TO MR. WILLIAM SIKES
oliver is getting re-kidnapped in the dead of night to another criminal circuit's house and then they're arriving only to eat supper? i guess they dine at midnight like the spanish. how elegant.


CHAPTER 21: THE EXPEDITION
whoa. this one is so...normal. concise, even.

i mean, not the chapter itself, which is an 8-page rendition of what amounts to a commute, but its title.


CHAPTER 22: THE BURGLARY
wow. a whole day of just typing out the titles without having to check against the page 11 times to make sure i'm correct. charles, you spoil me.


CHAPTER 23: WHICH CONTAINS THE SUBSTANCE OF A PLEASANT CONVERSATION BETWEEN MR BUMBLE AND A LADY; AND SHOWS THAT EVEN A BEADLE MAY BE SUSCEPTIBLE ON SOME POINTS
uh huh, yes, very clever, people being cartoonishly evil about poor people again. i get you. (i hate this book right now.)


CHAPTER 24: TREATS OF A VERY POOR SUBJECT. BUT IS A SHORT ONE; AND MAY BE FOUND OF SOME IMPORTANCE IN THIS HISTORY
in this chapter, an old lady on her deathbed confesses that she stole gold from oliver's mother as she died and that if she hadn't stolen it the mom would have lived and/or oliver would have at least been treated more kindly.

i thought the point of this book was that poverty is unjust and poor people are people too, but it seems like i may have been giving charles too much credit. it's more about one (1) unlucky kid.


CHAPTER 25: WHEREIN THIS HISTORY REFERS TO MR. FAGIN AND COMPANY
i have to tell you, i began this book feeling a little bit daunted but overall neutral and every day since i have grown to dislike it more and more. can't wait to see what new evil surprises today has in store.


CHAPTER 26: IN WHICH A MYSTERIOUS CHARACTER APPEARS UPON THE SCENE; AND MANY THINGS, INSEPARABLE FROM THIS HISTORY, ARE DONE AND PERFORMED
it's pissing me off so much that every chapter is charles dickens being like "and by the way, this is relevant to the story." THIS IS THE STORY. THE WAY WE SPEND OUR DAYS IS THE WAY WE SPEND OUR LIVES, CHARLES.


CHAPTER 27: ATONES FOR THE UNPOLITENESS OF A FORMER CHAPTER; WHICH DESERTED A LADY MOST UNCEREMONIOUSLY
two of the people who hate poor people are getting married and another two of the people who hate poor people have been hooking up. we're more than halfway through now and this is as close to a plot as we've gotten.


CHAPTER 28: LOOKS AFTER OLIVER, AND PROCEEDS WITH HIS ADVENTURES
we last saw the fellow, i'm pretty sure, as a broken body in a ditch after a robbery gone wrong, which i didn't mention because i'm so annoyed at the whole thing and i guess held out hope oliver had been put out of his misery and so too had we and the 300 remaining pages were just footnotes or something.


CHAPTER 29: HAS AN INTRODUCTORY ACCOUNT OF THE INMATES OF THE HOUSE TO WHICH OLIVER RESORTED
i was in such a good mood today, just vibing along with my other painful long classics project and my four non-project current reads, and remembering i hadn't done my daily chapters of oliver twist hit me like a cannonball. no one could be more miserable than me right now. and i'm counting oliver.


CHAPTER 30: RELATES WHAT OLIVER'S NEW VISITORS THOUGHT OF HIM
anyways, temporary reprieve from my bemoaning my fate to get back to the plot, such as it is: oliver is roommates now with the people he tried to rob.


CHAPTER 31: INVOLVES A CRITICAL POSITION
much like the one i'm taking on this book. buh dum ch.


CHAPTER 32: OF THE HAPPY LIFE OLIVER BEGAN TO LEAD WITH HIS KIND FRIENDS
i bet this one will last a while. surely no tragedy related to poverty and/or crime will befall oliver this time.


CHAPTER 33: WHEREIN THE HAPPINESS OF OLIVER AND HIS FRIENDS EXPERIENCES A SUDDEN CHECK
can't make this stuff up. the happiness in question lasted exactly one (1) chapter. what are we doing here.


CHAPTER 34: CONTAINS SOME INTRODUCTORY PARTICULARS RELATIVE TO A YOUNG GENTLEMAN WHO NOW ARRIVES UPON THE SCENE; AND A NEW ADVENTURE WHICH HAPPENED TO OLIVER
ok so oliver is actually still roommates with the people he tried to rob, but it seems like that is coming to a swift end? i don't know. the bummer of the last chapter was a girl got sick and almost died but didn't, which is actually paradise compared to the other plot points here so who knows.


CHAPTER 35: CONTAINING THE UNSATISFACTORY RESULT OF OLIVER'S ADVENTURE; AND A CONVERSATION OF SOME IMPORTANCE BETWEEN HARRY MAYLIE AND ROSE
well, it appears we're most likely about 1-2 chapters and a handful of slurs away from oliver getting re-kidnapped. shock of the century. but i guess i'm supposed to care that oliver's sick roommate is turning down a proposal from some guy who just showed up?


CHAPTER 36: IS A VERY SHORT ONE, AND MAY APPEAR OF NO GREAT IMPORTANCE IN ITS PLACE. BUT IT SHOULD BE READ, NOTWITHSTANDING, AS A SEQUEL TO THE LAST, AND A KEY TO ONE THAT WILL FOLLOW WHEN ITS TIME ARRIVES
does charles dickens think i'm reading these chapters in whatever order occurs to me? just throwing a bunch of pages in the air and reading whatever words i catch as they fall back down? good lord. so unnecessary.


CHAPTER 37: IN WHICH THE READER MAY PERCEIVE A CONTRAST, NOT UNCOMMON IN MATRIMONIAL CASES
we've spent 13 pages on the unhappy marriage between the two aforementioned poor-haters and 2 on a mysterious figure who will surely be of actual relevance to the plot. perfect.


CHAPTER 38: CONTAINING AN ACCOUNT OF WHAT PASSED BETWEEN MR AND MRS BUMBLE, AND MONKS, AT THEIR NOCTURNAL INTERVIEW
20 pages to retell a story we've heard before (oliver's dead mom's stolen locket) and throw it in the river.


CHAPTER 39: INTRODUCES SOME RESPECTABLE CHARACTERS WITH WHOM THE READER IS ALREADY ACQUAINTED, AND SHOWS HOW MONKS AND THE JEW LAID THEIR WORTHY HEADS TOGETHER
this shouldn't even be called "oliver twist." RANDOM GROUPS OF PEOPLE DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING INTERESTING would be a way more apt title.


CHAPTER 40: A STRANGE INTERVIEW, WHICH IS A SEQUEL TO THE LAST CHAPTER
please do not even get me started with "a sequel to the last chapter."

now nancy (oliver's girl roommate with the bad guys) and rose (oliver's girl roommate with the good guys) are talking about monks (the mysterious and plot-critical guy who we ignored completely in favor of irrelevant marital strife earlier) and his scheme to hide oliver's true identity (because he actually isn't poor, rendering any theme or point this book accidentally stumbled upon moot). also making a plan to be future roommates.


CHAPTER 41: CONTAINING FRESH DISCOVERIES, AND SHOWING THAT SURPRISES, LIKE MISFORTUNES, SELDOM COME ALONE
why does oliver know how to read and write? did i miss a good will hunting-style prodigy sequence somewhere between the various kidnappings?

anyway. he's been reunited with a prior set of roommates, one of whom (elderly) kissed the good girl roommate for (truly) (no exaggeration) no reason (and then was like, you're not allowed to be upset, i'm old).


CHAPTER 42: AN OLD ACQUAINTANCE OF OLIVER'S, EXHIBITING DECIDED MARKS OF GENIUS, BECOMES A PUBLIC CHARACTER IN THE METROPOLIS
so, to recap: oliver was born in a midwife's house, and then sent to a poorhouse, and then sent to a workhouse, and then sent to be a chimney sweep, and then walked to london where he ended up at the thieves' house, and then went to good guys' house #1, and was then kidnapped back to the thieves, and then was kidnapped to different thieves, and then was made to rob good guys' house #2 where he ended up living.

i mean good lord.


CHAPTER 43: WHEREIN IS SHOWN HOW THE ARTFUL DODGER GOT INTO TROUBLE
trouble? but how! his name is the artful dodger! surely he could've nimbly avoided it at the last moment!

we can only hope he escapes from prison, both because then he'd regain his reputation and because we'd be able to finish this book saying something happened.


CHAPTER 44: THE TIME ARRIVES FOR ROSE MAYLIE TO REDEEM HER PLEDGE TO NANCY. SHE FAILS
this is rose maylie libel. she's not even present in this chapter. her only crime remains being boring.


CHAPTER 45: NOAH CLAYPOLE IS EMPLOYED BY FAGIN ON A SECRET MISSION
nothing much actually happens in this chapter, other than making me crave buttered toast.


CHAPTER 46: THE APPOINTMENT KEPT
no one has ever been destined to die like nancy. dark bad past, wants to redeem herself, unloved in the world, keeps talking about bad omens. charles dickens is going to kill her off in a misguided redemption arc / attempt at emotional investment and neither will work on me.


CHAPTER 47: FATAL CONSEQUENCES
it actually feels so good to be proven right immediately. to make a prediction in one chapter that comes true the next...pure bliss.


CHAPTER 48: THE FLIGHT OF SIKES
enough bragging about how amazing i am at trope-filled centuries-old books. i'll catch you up. basically, sikes, who has some sort of romantic but evil but paternal role in nancy's life preventing her from Becoming Good, just heard from fagin who heard from noah claypole that nancy snitched and, for lack of a better term, murdered the sh*t out of her.


CHAPTER 49: MONKS AND MR BROWNLOW AT LENGTH MEET. THEIR CONVERSATION, AND THE INTELLIGENCE THAT INTERRUPTS IT
how many characters referred to exclusively by a last name that literally no actual human has ever had can i genuinely be expected to keep track of?

this chapter is like the inverse of a villain's monologue explaining his evil vision at the end of a movie: a good guy is info-dumping various scraps of backstory that vaguely connect all of these people. this, i assume, is what this book has instead of a "plot."


CHAPTER 50: THE PURSUIT AND ESCAPE
the titular escape is a reference to an accidental hanging. like, a guy randomly puts a noose around his neck, which just so happens to be tied to a chimney, and then without intention falls off a roof. i've said it before and i'll say it again: what are we doing here.


CHAPTER 51: AFFORDING AN EXPLANATION OF MORE MYSTERIES THAN ONE, AND COMPREHENDING A PROPOSAL OF MARRIAGE, WITH NO WORD OF SETTLEMENT OR PIN MONEY
this whole sequence has been spent introducing and tying up a series of loose ends for no comprehensible reason other than story extension to make me miserable, specifically. oliver had his happily ever after 19 chapters ago, and in spite of my sarcastic predictions, that has not been messed with at all. nothing has changed since then. but oh, great, rose and oliver are rich siblings instead of poor orphans.

this book is driving me insane.


CHAPTER 52: THE JEW'S LAST NIGHT ALIVE
oh, great. we get to spend our penultimate day enacting charles dickens's blood justice fantasies. at least i got an excuse to say penultimate. great word.


CHAPTER 53: AND LAST
rose and harry got married (i never even told you who harry is — that's how little he matters); rose's mother figure moves in with them (sure); monks takes his half of his fortune, moves to america, and dies in prison (what a happily ever after); oliver gets adopted by one of his groups of roommates (and i'm not joking: it's not the one he's spent the last 21 chapters with); noah claypole (heretofore only referenced as a hater of the poor) becomes a professional snitch; the married poor haters become poor; two people i don't remember keep doing what they were doing; and one of the child thieves becomes a good guy.

extending this book by even 5 pages to give me these updates is adding insult to injury.


OVERALL
i've said to many people this month that i hate this book and i can't wait to give it one star. that's a little bit of an exaggeration. i disliked it extremely and am giving it 2.

this is only my third dickens, but it's less funny, less coherent, less thematically consistent, and less emotionally impactful than the other two. but catch me right back here reading through all his others.
rating: 2