This has been one of the highest rated novels on my TBR list for a long time. I knew that, as it was a memoir, I would prefer to check it out as an audiobook from the library. The fact that it was read by the author was just a plus. I cannot recall how exactly I discovered this novel. Through a YouTube video? An Instagram post? I think it was recommended to me as a novel before I knew the story behind it. I looked into her story (at the very least the victim narrative in the media) upon learning about it. Even before starting the novel it made me angry (it being the justice system, not her).

I knew I would not get through the book without crying. What I didn't know was how much I would cry. I listened to this novel while driving to Jean's house and back and found myself tearing up multiple times. The worst was when I got home and was eating dinner. When his verdict was read I cried so loud Mommy was scared for me lol. Even though I could not personally relate to her story (thankfully), her words resonated with me more clearly than others' ever had. Her storytelling ability is unparalleled. 

I write this with swollen eyes from crying the day before. I remember the first time I heard her story I dreamt I was in a courtroom arguing that I was in fact raped. I'd when up exhausted, more exhausted than if I'd never slept. Last night I did not dream of this again (also thankfully). I suppose my mind decided on its own that listening to her experience was emotionally demanding enough.

Reading this made me feel angry and frustrated. The fact that there were witnesses, the fact that she had bruises, the fact that she was left in the open for all to see. The response from the public, the way the media framed the event and the trial. All of it made me want to scream. At the same time I felt more love than my body could handle. Her boyfriend set the standard. Hell he *is* the standard. Everyone in her life (her family, her friends) was so supportive and caring. Her love for them and vice versa was palpable. Especially for her little sister (can relate).

This was an incredibly heavy book and for good reason. Though when have I been one to shy away from heavy topics? If anything they're a selling point. I hope that by reading this I will be better prepared to aid victims in the future (and, God forbid, to be a victim myself). Often when we speak about rape we speak about the act as though it occurs in a vacuum. Perhaps we might speak of pressing charges or a trial. Rarely, ever, is any attention given to the PTSD that comes with surviving. Her memory opened my eyes to the difficulties of life both during and after. If I ever forget the strength of her words I know where to find them. Unfortunately, her story is timeless, and there will likely come a time where I am in need of a refresher. 

Read if in need of hope. Read if angry. Read if you want to hear what love sounds like.