As someone who has been indoctrinated since birth into monogamy, I could never really understand being with more than one partner at a time. As someone with abandonment issues, crippling anxiety and relationship trauma from the past, most of the tenets of polyamory seemed always painful. Not to forget how polyamory is used as a convenient excuse to avoid commitment by most folks around or get themselves threesomes.

Alex Alberto's (@thatalexalberto ) book, therefore, is my first ever book for understanding and familiarizing myself with polyamory. And it was absolutely unputdownable. 

I'm in awe of Alex's clarity of thought, the ability to articulate those with such lucidity, their charming wit, and disarmingly unflinching candour, even as they navigate through their vulnerabilities and muddled emotions. 

The book is a compilation of Alex's essays about their own journey in polyamory, the challenges they faced, the love and positives they experienced, the community they built. The book doesn't follow a timeline, but it follows themes like coming out, polyamory in public places and govt organizations, breakups, attractions, tricky situations etc. Alex also talks honestly about the power of English language in their journey, and about how heritage, culture and the requirement for mother tongues to be inclusive, play such a definitive role in identities. 

When Alex narrates the episodes with their partner's parents, one feels the intensity and tension rise upto one's throat. I had to keep the book aside for a while before picking it back up. They make an interesting choice of not capitalizing the Ms and Ps of the words maman and papa for their own parents. I have always seen them written in capital. And that's why it feels intentional. They talk in detail about how difficult it's been for them to make friendships because of their queerness. 

They also reimagine popular monogamous movies as polyamorous. It is a side observation that it looks like we root more for only those that have sufficient pain and suffering, and somehow fail to imagine or probably even want to see a world where all parties are truly happy and content.

I've learnt so many new words, I am super grateful for that. Metamour, compersion, polycule, Zuntie. Eye-opening. 

I also learnt that there are certain things that enable a successful polyamorous lifestyle. It is way more difficult than monogamous relationships. Monogamous relationships are ok if they're working for you, but most times folks become lazy and bored in monogamy at some point (honestly I've seen way too many extremely problematic monogamous relationships). They start looking for the zing outside, which is a sure shot formula for the relationship to crumble. Alex, therefore, presents a beautiful thought. They implore us to ask ourselves if it's fair to put all the pressures of a good relationship on one single person or to take all that pressure on us. Would this not cause resentment eventually? 

Having said, Alex also draws from their own experiences some clear facts that have worked for them. 
Knowing yourself well (and sometimes one doesn't know what one wants until one has had to face something one doesn't want), having enough earning to navigate two homes or different cities / states in order to be able to be present for partners, having enough words to have enough conversations about your desires and needs and wishes (this requires immense reading and researching), finding folks with whom you can freely navigate through even the bitter emotions. 

It is a bit scary and plenty complicated and not many are brave enough to embark on such a journey. If done properly though, it looks like a great response to capitalism's obsession with individualism. 

I am going to explore books on polyamory to learn more - some of them Alex speaks about and some more. I am incredibly thankful to Alex for writing this and would definitely look forward to reading more of them.