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A review by mburnamfink
I Just Want This Done: How Smart, Successful People Get Divorced Without Losing Their Kids, Money, and Minds by Raiford Dalton Palmer
5.0
Hello internet, I have some unpleasant personal news, which you can probably infer from the existence of this book review.
The Mountain Goats - No Children
The anthem for this kind of suck
The upside is that this is a really good book, with much of the same advice I got from real lawyers at about 2% of the cost. Raif's perspective as a veteran Chicago family law attorney and divorcee is that it's possible to get the important stuff out of a divorce (see subtitle, kids, money, mind), as long as you stay focused and don't get hung up on the impossible stuff.
Basically, the courts cannot give you emotional validation or everything you want. No judge will declare you the goodest best person and your ex a vile fiend, and award you all the money and full custody. Trying to use the divorce process to punish your ex is extremely counter-productive. Trials are long, expensive, emotionally fraught, and almost never deliver desired outcomes. If you're smart, you'll work this out through alternative dispute resolution (arbitration, mediation, collaborative law), spend a lot less money, and have a better emotional foundation to build the rest of your life on.
The basic stance is one of cost-benefit analysis and avoiding stupid decisions. Accepting an "unfavorable" settlement on property now is better than fighting to a "better" deal where legal fees have more than consumed anything that would be gained. Odds are you're going to get something like 50-50 shared time, but you can't force teenagers to spend time with you, even with a custody schedule. And above all, don't get stupid and emotional. This might be hard, especially if infidelity is involved, but bad-mouthing the ex, weaponizing the kids, or letting friends and relatives steer the process can all lead you into mistakes. And never ever lie to the court or try and conceal things. This can easily lead you to lose the metanarrative, even if the facts are on your side.
Of course, this assumes everybody is reasonable, which might not be true. Sometimes your partner hires Genghis Khan to represent them. Or maybe it turned out that you married a clinical narcissist. Either way, this is going to suck more, but knowing when to cut and run is often more important than knowing how to fight.
The Mountain Goats - No Children
The anthem for this kind of suck
The upside is that this is a really good book, with much of the same advice I got from real lawyers at about 2% of the cost. Raif's perspective as a veteran Chicago family law attorney and divorcee is that it's possible to get the important stuff out of a divorce (see subtitle, kids, money, mind), as long as you stay focused and don't get hung up on the impossible stuff.
Basically, the courts cannot give you emotional validation or everything you want. No judge will declare you the goodest best person and your ex a vile fiend, and award you all the money and full custody. Trying to use the divorce process to punish your ex is extremely counter-productive. Trials are long, expensive, emotionally fraught, and almost never deliver desired outcomes. If you're smart, you'll work this out through alternative dispute resolution (arbitration, mediation, collaborative law), spend a lot less money, and have a better emotional foundation to build the rest of your life on.
The basic stance is one of cost-benefit analysis and avoiding stupid decisions. Accepting an "unfavorable" settlement on property now is better than fighting to a "better" deal where legal fees have more than consumed anything that would be gained. Odds are you're going to get something like 50-50 shared time, but you can't force teenagers to spend time with you, even with a custody schedule. And above all, don't get stupid and emotional. This might be hard, especially if infidelity is involved, but bad-mouthing the ex, weaponizing the kids, or letting friends and relatives steer the process can all lead you into mistakes. And never ever lie to the court or try and conceal things. This can easily lead you to lose the metanarrative, even if the facts are on your side.
Of course, this assumes everybody is reasonable, which might not be true. Sometimes your partner hires Genghis Khan to represent them. Or maybe it turned out that you married a clinical narcissist. Either way, this is going to suck more, but knowing when to cut and run is often more important than knowing how to fight.