We've all sufferred due to the COVID-19 pandemic, but just imagine how much worse it is for a dedicated scientist, locked away in a lab facility until her team can produce an effective vaccine, denied the sexual release that she is accustomed to, like

the time she was hammered by the carpet fitter when he came to fit carpets in her country manor,

or

the time she'd fucked the farmer's cross-eyed son and uncrossed his eyes.

With all that she was sacrificing to find a cure, is it at all fair that she be

so deprived of the feeling of a hot man-dog inside her lubricated pussy-bun,

I ask you? A woman with

huge boobies, a thicc ass and nice legs

has needs after all. So is it truly surprising when she feels turned on by the test tube containing the coronovirus sample and starts to "Imagine how she would feel if she touched herself with it."

Alexa pulled down her lab pants and pulled her panties to the side, her pussy so wet that the lace glided across her skin like a fat man on a water slide.

Welcome to the weird new world of [a:M.J. Edwards|20773482|M.J. Edwards|https://s.gr-assets.com/assets/nophoto/user/u_50x66-632230dc9882b4352d753eedf9396530.png].

This review contains spoilers, but does it really matter?

There's a lot to unpack in this short story. For one thing, I just noticed "lab pants" as I was typing out the last quote above. They are . . . not a thing? Of course I didn't notice that earlier because I was distracted by the mystifying and bizarre simile that followed. "Like a fat man on a water slide". WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??? It's not the only turn of phrase to make you go, "Heh?" but before we get to some others, let's take a look at the plot. Dr. Alexa Ashingtonford was one of team of doctors on a task force assembled by Dr. Gurtlychund, "one of Ohio's top biochemical-neuroviral-epidemiologists," (remember as we go forward; we have Ohio to blame). As

Slowly, the virus had spread across the globe. Asia. Europe. Some other places.

Dr. Gurtlychund, Dr. Ashingtonford, Dr. J, and Dr. Wobbul got to work. The last two got infected and died, leaving only Alexa and Bob. That's right, his full name is Bob Gurtlychund. On the fateful day of our story, he brought Dr. Ashingtonford some new samples to catalogue.

Alexa didn't waste any time. She tore open the box of samples and began running them on the samplometer. Each sample came up positive and each matched up with the results they had previously obtained from other samples they had sampled.

That's . . . not how science works. Samplometer?

After all this work, Dr. Ashingtonford's instincts told her that adding just a little more virus to the vaccine would do the trick.

She was one of the best scientists around, so was confident that a drop would be all it would take to make the vaccine perfect.

That's . . . not how vaccines work.

You might think, with only one man now available to her, Alexa might turn to Dr. Gurtlychund to satisfy her sexual needs. Unfortunately, he wasn't her physical type.

She couldn't get over that moustache. She loved beards, and a moustache was only the start of a beard, like micropenises are just the start of real penises.

That's . . . not how penises work.

Anyway, Dr. Gurtlychund proves his manhood by testing the vaccine on himself.

Dr. Gurtlychund rolled up the sleeve of his arm. 'I have to do this. Alexa, I didn't tell you this before, but... I have the Coronavirus.'

That's . . . also not how vaccines work, they won't cure you of a current infection but you know what let's just move on. In a scene straight out of Weird Science, the combination of virus and vaccine has some wild effects:

For some reason, the lights flashed. Wind whipped around the lab, lashing Alexa's hair back and forth and shaking her ample breasts. . . . Alexa edged back, pushing back until her back pushed back against the wall.

Basically, it's Bruce Banner transforming into the Hulk, but with spike proteins. The new green being is gradually physically revealed. These characteristics in particular stand out:

A wide jaw, like the trunk of a car.

???

His thighs had obliterated his pants, muscle poking out like a cheeky kitten.

???

The transformation is not merely physical; an entirely new entity has emerged.

'Then... who are you?' asked Alexa.
'I don't know.'
'Do you know who you are?'
'I think so,' he said.

Alexa sheds a tear for Bob, and the virus shows his tender side:

Suddenly a strong chonk of a finger rubbed across Alexa's cheek.

Touched by his tenderness,

She looked up at him. His eyes were striking, like a goat's, but without the sideways pupils.

Thanks for clearing that right up. The goat metaphor continues,

A big hand grabbed at her even bigger breast, clinging on like he was climbing a mountain.

Of course they kiss,

His tongue, so soft and hot, like a chunk of microwaved fish, sloshing around inside her mouth.

And then some other stuff happens. The most amazing transformation takes place. No, I don't mean the transformation that produced a manly, virile manifestation of COVID-19. Rather, it's that Alexa, who sought only sexual gratification, found something more.

She had listened to her heart, and vagina, and allowed herself to succumb to Covid's charm.

The end. Unless . . . oh no you are fucking kidding me . . .



Fauci save us!


Of course this story came out exactly as intended. I'm impressed by the author's creatively beyond-terrible turns of phrase. Obviously inspired by Dr. [a:Chuck Tingle|10788353|Chuck Tingle|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1422164350p2/10788353.jpg]'s body of living object erotica, she displays a distinct voice. This story rises above the crowded pack of coronavirus erotica to achieve cult status.

But what do we really know about the author? Who is [a:M.J. Edwards|20773482|M.J. Edwards|https://s.gr-assets.com/assets/nophoto/user/u_50x66-632230dc9882b4352d753eedf9396530.png]? Her Amazon author bio reads, "Writer, ferret keeper and mother. I write to entertain and titillate." The 'About the Author' page from this book states that she "lives in Surrey with her husband an nineteen ferrets." But the bio from the sequel states, "Due to her husband's infidelity, M.J. Edwards currenlty finds herself single and living with her grown son, Richard, who is only partly supportive of her latest career choice." OH NO! Mr. Edwards, you done messed up! The author's other book, [b:Penetrated by the President's Twitter Feed|55685009|Penetrated by the President's Twitter Feed|M.J. Edwards|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1602809813l/55685009._SY75_.jpg|86838174] (published in between the two KtC volumes) carries as a dedication, "For Diane. She knows what she did." Could this be the 'other woman'? Scandalous. One lingering question is answered as the author's ferrets' fate is revealed; she "was only allowed to take one of the ferrets with her," when she moved in with her son. Ms. Edwards, may you find your own sentient living object or concept to bring you satisfaction and enduring love one day soon. Just remember, in the immortal words of professional advice-giver Dan Savage: every relationship you ever have is going to fail. Until one doesn't.

This is the end of the review.

Let's put to rest the rumor that this author attempted in any way to assume the identity of a different [a:M.J. Edwards|15225100|M.J. Edwards|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1535814304p2/15225100.jpg], to whom this book was temporarily linked. Titles get assigned to the wrong author all the time in Goodreads and I am sure even the almighty Amazon messes this up sometimes. It's not as if "M. Edwards" is an uncommon name, and did the creator of the legendary Dr. Alexa Ashingtonford really need to glom onto someone else's pseudonym with a single book from 2018 to their nym to achieve fame and fortune? She did not.

Let's also put to rest any complaints that Kissing the Coronavirus is overpriced at US$0.99. That is the lowest price that Kindle Direct Publishing allows.



Amazon sales rank (tracking for my Kindle Unlimited trial books, just for fun)
Best Sellers Rank: #53,216 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
Best sub-rank: #143 in Humorous Erotica (Kindle Store)