sat on this review for a year, but honestly I'm side-eyeing every "queer" creator that spoke highly of this, cause it's so...empty. and antithetical, cause for one it's bioessentialist as hell. the draw is meant to be the triad and the thrill of 3 sexy guys lusting after what, with how little valuable characterization there is for the fmc, might as well just be a self insert. though i can't think of anyone i'd want to be less.

let's be clear, it wouldn't bother me so much if she was simply incompetent, or clumsy like every other fmc in stories of this caliber. but she's not only this but impossibly the precious, dainty little stupid girl and yet the pliable, desirable whore. 

too often was it emphasized how small she was i couldn't keep myself from retching. especially in cole's point of view where he describes her once as "so small standing next to me. so delicate." and then once AGAIN emphasizes: "and now daisy’s here, all five feet of her, soft and small and gentle. she’s the worst possible combination: fragile, but too brave—or stupid—to care. she’s half of my weight soaking wet, but she still assumes she can keep up with me and the others."

that is textbook bioessentialism. along with just a slew of other problematic internalized misogynistic complexes—but point being i was disgusted. yet, i understand even that in romance now and popular recent examples of erotica, these types of differentiations are meant to be attractive and erotic, sensual, romantic. but i ask, where's the romance? along with those other words, it meets none of this. it was gross, and i was not hot for anyone. 


which, how could i really even be that when every character had the same voice and the love interests were not actually different beyond the few visual descriptors (their muscles are big, their dicks are big, their egos are big.) and most notably the diversity hire, which always annoys me with nonblack authors. the decision to include a black character, especially into a white triad (or a quad really) in an overly white country with immense racism is not a light one when none of these frictions really exist and are as abstract as his racialization. 

also daisy being stupidified enough to ask why that girl wouldn't lie and say her baby was riven's, i promise i didn't laugh not once. if you can't handle blackness seriously, leave it alone. 

the writing also generally wasn't good—"He looks sinful. Like a sexy, off- limits professor, or something," "Jesus. Talk about morning wood," "creamy tits."—like it was low quality here.

and then the SECRET...i stuck through only for the most uninteresting reveal. and i truly do not care about some shallow messaging of trying to cover the tragic, traumatizing reality of revenge porn, the author took the fmc's trauma and steam rolled it for low quality porn. she had no intention of even sitting with it and letting her and us feel it.

the narrative drops very, VERY sparsely here and there that daisy is the slightest bit scared of sex because of the rp. but really in story she's made no ACTUAL show of being ashamed of sex or anything that denotes shame or trauma. she's been fucking willy nilly like a pro, while having the innocence of a fool, and yet apparently the modesty of a nun. she brought travel sized lube with her magically for immediate anal because that makes sense in the "im never having sex again because shame" narrative the author tried to push toward the end to bolster the triads relationship. 

which. back to that...


"but now my body feels like it’s mine again."

and it's all because sex magically healed her, the very thing that traumatized her. and with people who have treated her like garbage, especially cole, the blue eyed, blond thor type she pines after like some dog...i hate this narrative for a multitude of reasons. it's just not true, stems from bioessentialism (a broader conversation in its gendering), and it's just terrible. i get it was to connect the overarching boring story to the necessity of her even being in sweden and the smut, but damn i wish some authors would stick to one shots. 

because hundreds of pages of this was just not good. and real talk, to get real bare, the narrative that people who don't have sex a certain way or who don't at all are miserable, is tired and coercive. real lovers move without doing all this and value multiple realities.

and i just didn't like getting acquainted more with the author's own limited, unerotic perspective. but my reading goal was untouched so i trudged on.


but it really truly was some of the most unsexy writing and most unsexy scenarios. i mean anal takes proper preparation. this bitch was eating beans and tin can chili for TWO DAYS. this ain't a water park, this shit is brokeback mountain! i literally gagged in a bad way. 

and these men supposedly teaching her to love her body again, through sex, were so volatile. not even just masculine or manly, but violent which again—where's the romance?

the redhead, which the author makes sure you know that through repetitive mention, wasn't so worse comparatively. but at the climax where the boring secret is revealed, gold creates drama out of nothing and makes riven, the dei candidate, explode. as described he is furious like he hates her and "Riv’s never shouted at me before. I didn’t even think he could. But now the calm, gentle doctor has been stripped away, and I don’t recognise him anymore."

again, we must be clear: this is not a foundation for love. people who love you right and truly will not do this, especially at the start of your very tentative, fraught relationship. abusive relationships begin like this only, not romantic ones. so of course i was disgusted at the portrayal and the inevitable dismissal of the moment as being justified (by daisy) and lightly by the narrative with the insinuation by eli that love makes you crazy. plus, they had petty trauma before of some past partner lying on them that the secret supposedly reasonably triggered (which we will return to).

it was this treatment along with cole's hatred and antagonistic demeanor toward the fmc which ruined the story just as much as every other incredibly flaw. though maybe this was fatal. if this is a romance, erotica type book, i must LIKE the love interests or at least want to fuck them. but i just wanted them to die. 

like, let's revisit some cool quotes with cole:

“I think I like you better when you can’t talk.”

“You think because I saved you from freezing to death, I want to kiss you? It’s my job to help weak creatures that can’t handle the snow.”

“I should’ve let you die in that bush,”

this is all truly peak romance.


i ask myself a lot what's wrong with cis women, but this story really pushed it. there has never been a more viscerally sickening mmc for me. none of this is manly, desirable behavior. the adherence to bioessentialism was cranked up so far we just emerged straight into cruel abuse. clearly he was the author's favorite with the intense focus on this loser, but he was not mine and he would've never been no matter how the narrative tried to force it by making him pitiable. the triad was betrayed by a heartless bitch! so how could he ever love again when she took advantage of his love? 

BOO 👎🏽 🍅🍅


and that's what i hated so much about this story even further. you can pile on sex and partners and talk of miserable missionary monogamous people, but that's not a progressive mentality immediate. the story was laden in bioessentialism of course, so it was misogynistic and it was so heavy that it was not possible to ignore. 

every other woman in the story is either a jealous bitch, a judgemental bitch, or a two-faced, adulterous whore. don't mind if i rip this book to shreds.

and i mean every one, even the random flight attendant at the end who just HAD to be flirting with daisy's partners of all men. and during her job of all things, what about work etiquette??

and lastly the part with her mother, god i rolled my eyes. the next part i share from my old notes cause i predicted it exactly:


Book: “I’m sorry, who are you? And why are you even here?”

NOTES: *grabs hands dramatically* "he's–" stares at all three of the men," they're my LOVING, supporting, hot, sexy, talented partners who fuck me all at once and don't think i'm a whore. they're BETTER than you, who didn’t trust or believe me." *the parents are shocked*

Book: “All three of them?” Mum asks hoarsely, looking between us. “H-how is that possible?” I shrug. “They each get two days a week with me, and they all share me on a Sunday.”

NOTES: WGAT DUD I SAY


like i knew where it was going and it was so bad!!! everything was so bad!!! again, i sat on this review for a YEAR. this book annoyed me so much focusing on it at all after the end was unbearable for me. i understand people have their things they enjoy, but i put my foot down here. 

the premise was the only thing sustaining me, along with my will, more resolute than any nordic hammer, but it was nawt good. it went beyond into worse. seriously, misogyny in 2023? 2024? if y'all don't grow the hell up!

we need substance, complexity, real eroticism in vulnerability removed from cruelty. put down the bioessentialism, that is not erotic! it's not sensual, romantic, or sexy!

like gosh. there was...so much to not like. i actually didn't like anything in retrospect, not even the sex and all the "spearing" and jackhammering. and that's as much as i will say.

last is a few pieces that stuck out and my final comments on them:

"when you love someone that much, they have so much power over your thoughts. they don’t even have to get inside your head; they’re already there.” daisy stupid ass

"so his chest is pressed against my back, and his erection is rubbing between my asscheeks."

since i've been here i've been privy to some of the most unsexy descriptions of sex. 

"swears in swedish" WHAT DID HE SAY—ugh this is such a COPOUT.

"then spears into me in one solid thrust." violent language

"holy shit, the guy is jacked."

"i x out of the clip" 

"riven pales." god, this annoyed me bad. he is a BLACK MAN. we do. not. PALE.

"i feel… used. like a used tissue. a bit of trash.”

"cole kisses like he’s fighting." eww gross.

repeated descriptions of hair "chocolate waves," "auburn curls", "delicate", "big"


"one kiss. that’s all it took for her to unravel me completely." that damn dua lipa song.

"they’ll probably see me getting fucked from behind?” 

this phrasing has been used three times by three different people.

“'these poor people,'” eli sighs mournfully. “'i bet they all have unsatisfying missionary sex once a year, then lie awake at night dreaming of getting fucked in the ass. i bet—'”

SEE???

"holy shit. what’s wrong with me? even in a completely safe, supportive environment, it’s like I can’t shake off the last scraps of old embarrassment. i don’t want to be ashamed to have sex. i don’t want this to be a part of my life."

the book won't let her have trauma and it WON'T let her heal from it. it's focusing her to get over it, like that's what trauma is. and for a shallow ending that doesn't address her pain but rather shunts it. pain like this doesn't heal through slutty sex with men who mostly dislike you, but as the fmc is a misogynistic, pornographic ideal with no solid character beyond the stupid, naive, innocent, clumsy, door next girl who loves to paint and LIVES to fuck. she's not a person, but a doll and a house maid, so of course the author's limited on the intricacies of how trauma exists in the mental, inner space (which this book lacked incredibly). 


"i’m surrounded by love all the time. it cocoons me. it wraps me up and keeps me safe and warm." BOO, bitch, BOO 👎🏽 🍅

p.s. they all had strenuous sex with her just after she nearly died in a blizzard, which included the anal scene. and these men who were supposed to be so loving and better than her former bfs, all watched the revenge porn 🙃

they could've gotten context any other way, but the author made sure that extra violation was there and by the supposed desirable love interests no less, and that's truly why i will always hate this book.