Tolstoy and his translator
- leo died from pneumonia
- left his wife in middle of the night bc thats what old men do in their final days to find peace and solitude
- stayed in a house in Astapovo bc got critically ill
- he's a vegetarian, pacifist, persistent critic of russian empire and russian orthodox church (he favored a primitive version of Christianity)
- became very obsessed with death especially in final days
- opposes death penalty after seeing someone get guillotined in paris
- reflects on the big questions like "if we must die what's the point in living"
- kinda unknown what illness/disease leo had

The Death of Ivan Ilyich
1
- ivan ilyich died, he will have a funeral
- people of the court (not sure what their jobs are, seems like they're lawyers i guess?) or ivan's friends i guess dont seem too saddened by his death, more concerned with how now that he's gone they're gonna get promotions and how things might be different at work now
- they have thoughts like "he died, not me" so im safe
- wth they're at ivan's house and some schwarz dude and pyotr are debating when they can play vint (russian card game)
- how's pyotr a friend when it feels like ivan's death is some sort of joke to him wth
- "this expression also held a reproach or reminder to the living. pyotr ivanovich found this reminder inappropriate - or at least not one applying to himself. this gave pyotr ivanovich an unpleasant feeling" does this dude think he's immortal?? and tbh a lot of people are like that they get uncomfy with the reminder of death. and idk it feels almost selfish especially from an islamic perspective bc rn the fact that ur feeling icky isnt the issue but a dead man transitioning to the afterlife is
- after that ivan's wife tells him ivan suffered in his last days pyotr gets spooked and thinks that can happen to him too at any minute but he pushed these "gloomy" thoughts away bc this happened to ivan and not him
- widow is crying and all but wondering how she can get treasury bc of her now dead husband (not the wife being more concerned with her money...)
- it seems ivan's son and daughter can't stand pyotr..they probs know his intentions are off
- he ended up making it on time for vint ya allah

2
- ivan's life was ordinary and awful apparently, was a member of the court of justice
- he's the 2nd brother of 3, the first had a random position like the dad while the 3rd was a failure and no one really spoke about him, worked in railways
- ivan was a middle between his brothers, never pleased anyone or went above and beyond just did what he had to do like a normal person
- he gave in to vanity lots and liked to associate with the people of higher positions, integrated himself into their lifestyle
- took his work as a lawyer seriously but was sociable and witty. had affairs (wasnt married then so i guess just had premarital sex?), drank, etc
- got a new job in another city as magistrate, and this position held much more power and affected people's lives directly as opposed to the other postion. says everyone was "in his hands"
- took on a diff approach at this new job, became more distant with government authorities and kept close to his circle of lawyers and adopted a slight a tone of slight dissatisfaction with government (this is an obvious trait of tolstoy as previously mentioned)
- met his wife, Praskovya, after 2 years of being in this new city
- he used to dance and he kinda flirted with his wife like that, by dancing with her at events
- the way he's describing his wife its like he just settled with her yikes and not fallen in love with her..he says she fell in love with me but never says the opposite
- wife got pregnant and became unpleasant lmfaoooo ITS LITERAL PREGNANCY??? SIS IS HORMONAL GET OVER IT. he would ignore her and life his life however like ???? not vibing with ivan at all anymore
- confused..kid is born and mentions real and imaginary illness of child and mother so is there something acc wrong with them??
- ivan begins investing more into his work life and securing a more independent life from the family for himself
- he took what he wanted from married life, food, bed and everyone knowing he's married (so all the good stuff basically...ok) and he found happiness in his work. this fucker just did not wanna invest some time in his marriage and just kept running away. idk whats wrong with the wife but clearly he didnt support her in anything so he can die (which he did lmao) for all i care
- more children got born and the wife became more angry but ivan was used to her moods so it wasnt anything new to him (no like i cant stand him now fr)
- moved to a new city bc he's now a prosecutor, 2 children died :(, less money bc life more expensive there. so family life became even more unpleasant for ivan
- he fought with his wife lots too and family became some public decoration only. he spent less time with them and become more and more tied to his official work (he's said this lots by now)
- another kid died left with daughter and son. to be spiteful towards his wife he didn't sent his son to law school and instead to the gymnasium (girl what....OUT OF SPITE??)

3
- ivan wanted to be president of something but someone called Hoppe got the position, he got super angry and basically fought everyone
- that year his salary wasn't enough and no one bothered to help him, felt like everyone forgot him
- ivan traveled to petersburg to do some petition for those who didnt appreciate him so that he can transfer to another ministry
- ivan ended up getting his old position (was 2 positions higher than his collegues) and the salary he wanted. theyre moving to peterburg and settling into this new life. him n wife were on better agreements now
- became super super absorbed in decorating their new apartment. decorated like he was rich but bought things cheaply. was hanging curtains and fell (it bruised but he said he was fine)
- liked how there was always something to do with the house...until there wasnt and he became bored.
- he basically didnt have much friends tho, just professional relationships and he seemed proud bc its keeping his personal life separate from his work life
- tbh his life sounds so boring, there's no energy or life or excitement to it. he's so invested in his work, doesnt seem to have real friends bc he kinda just uses them for work too, sucky relationship with wife, not too invested in his children...like whats ur purpose here then
- he loves vint, calls it a real pleasure (so different from his official/social pleasures)
- "and everything went on like that, without any change, and everything was good." the calm before the storm i see lmfao

4
- ivan became so irritable bc of the odd taste in his mouth and the pain in his side, ruined the peace they had with his wife. wife hates him so much and wishes he dies but then she wouldnt have a salary so she's conflicted (well this explains asking for the pension thing lmfao sis is tryna get that bag)
- went to doctor and the doctor kinda stepped around answering the question if his situation was bad (aka am i gonna die??). told his wife and daughter about the situation but they didnt even seem concerned about him either so he kinda just assumed things are fine
- pain didnt get relieved with meds he was taking but he kinda convinced himself things were fine, the way he's in denial
- went to so many doctors and got pointed in diff directions but all their meds and solutions never gave him any relief.
- his situation got worseeee and ppl around him didnt understand and didnt want to understand
- his wife blamed him for the horrible mood yikes lmfao she does not care one bit about him, his daughter too
- everyone around him also didnt take it seriously and would joke about it, schwarz (the dude wanting to play vint) also took things so gleefully and cheerily
- his "friends" even took pity on him during vint and ivan would ruin the mood for them too
- "and he had to live like that on the brink of the abyss, all alone, without a single person who could understand and take pity on him."

5
- his brother in law upon seeing him went yikes which made ivan realize his appearance became so bad
- got hit with the realization that he is indeed going to die and no amount of convincing himself can deny that
- he's terrified of dying, having a crisis, no one seems to understand the state he's in

6
- he knows humans are mortals but he never imagined it happening to him. this is so true tho u see death so much and it sometimes never hits u that that can be u at any moment. we kinda separate ourselves from it. we think we're immune from death n its bad
- cant understand death, very confused rn
- immersed himself in work and did what he used to do, a time where death wasnt on his mind like now but alas, even his work as a judge got affected by his thoughts
- starts referring to death as It

7
- pooping was unpleasant but the manservant Gerasim made things bearable
- made gerasim hold up his legs bc it felt better, he starts talking to him , says that only gerasim understood him and had pity for him everyone else didnt even want to understand his situation
- he's lying about how he's dying, just told everyone at work its an illness so no one's taking things too seriously
- ivan wants to be taken care of like a sick child

8
- doesn't want to be left alone
- "he hates her with his whole soul" how are they not divorced yet omg
- the wife acts like everything is ivan's fault and that he's to blame like girl he's dying raw2e shway

9
- blaming god here as to why this is happening to him :/
-"why have u done all this? why have u brought me here? why, why do u torment me so badly?"
- trying to look back on good moments in his life and realizes there arent any outside of his childhood
- questioning if maybe he didnt live the way he should have but then rejects that idea bc he lived in the proper and "correct" way so then why is he being tormented like this..

10
- very lonely, spends his days going over memories

11
- finally realized that the impossibility of his life being all wrong is actually exactly the reality and this drove him into a deeper mental abyss bc theres nothing he can do about it now since hes dying
- looks at his wife and daughter and knows their life was just a fraud all along

12
- 3 days of screaming, full on misery, about to die
- an hour before dying, his son visits him
- realizes he doesnt wanna make things hard for his family bc the son and wife were crying
- says to them "forgive me", to free himself and them from the sufferings, notices the pain leaves
- didnt fear death anymore bc death wasnt there anymore..it got replaced by light seems like some final epiphany is happening here
- he dies with his famous quote

ok so after reaserching it seems that his famous quote at the end isnt really random and there's a connection to jesus' final words here. jesus had said "it is finished" in john 19:30 meaning that his suffering is over and that the task is completed. here tolstoy is saying that yeah his life is over like christ's but also that death has no more control of him bc he didnt fear it anymore.

tbh i expected more from this story ngl. there arent even good quotes to take away from this so like??? i mean i get it he described death from the pov of a dying man but like it wasnt as detailed as i hoped it would be? finally when things like god and questioning one's life choices were talked about the story had ended which is unfortunate bc its those thoughts i wouldve wanted more development on. i guess reading confessions will give me more insight on this story bc ik theres more religious symbolism i missed out on but like if the story isnt enough by itself then why read it u know....idk i guess i put high expectations from it and thought id come out a changed woman lmao but whatever. it was fine, not something id reread nor something id go to when im questioning life/death. and tbh i thought it would be more like st augustine's confessions but it really wasnt. ik theyre kinda different, ones a conversion story the other is a dying man but still. id give this alone a 1/5. i didnt hate it but didnt gain anything from it

Confessions
-brought up orthodox christian but his faith was very shaky
- one should go to church and partake in those social activities but not take anything too seriously (which is how lots live their lives these days tbh, outside of visiting the mosque there is no real belief in god)
- says how all the good traits orthodoxy were supposed to have were actually found in non believers
- religion kinda becomes a habit that one does not out of devotion and belief but for the sake of keeping up habits we learned while younger. these actions are now meaningless. (explains why lots leave the religion as they grow older, they see that its pointless to do things if their heart really isnt into it or if they dont believe in it)
- stopped believing at 16, didnt do prayers nor attend church (a conscious decision)
- still believed in God and christ but couldnt really tell u beyond that
- his only real faith at the time was self-perfection (did it to please the people) and soon enough this transformed into wanting to be more powerful/famous/important than others
- when ur younger being good is mocked but doing bad is praised
- he did so many crimes (oppressed ppl really) and people still saw him as relatively moral
- began writing, mostly about the bad..he wanted to show off the good in him but couldnt
- started a new job as a writer and adopter the professional writers' way of life too which destroyed all former attempts for him to become better
- everyone he worked with didnt really know what they were doing and didnt know that they actually knew nothing. they thought themselves as poets and as teachers bc they're writer but they really arent bc they couldnt answer simple life questions. realizes that the real aim of all they did wasnt to educate but to gain praise and money. he keeps calling that place a madhouse
- stays in paris and sees a execution where someone gets beheaded and realizes that no logic of existence or progress can ever justify that act and notes that it is bad makes him a judge of whats bad not what other people say and do
- the death of his brother also had a similar affect
- came back home and decided to teach in peasant schools but the same problem came up, he's teaching without really knowing what
- "i went abroad a second time to learn there how i could manage to be able to teach others while knowing nothing myself"
- hmm the translation has some errors im ngl
- married
- lots of questions with no answers start bothering him like why? and then what? so what? these same questions plague my mind too
- omg would stop himself from hanging or shooting himself
- everything is meaningless and u die so how can u see all this and keep on living?