Dramatic, mystifying, recursive. I saw a review saying the goal was to present the reader with an experience rather than a recording of one, and I think that’s what you get. Surrealist and ambiguous, it has recurring elements and phrases that at once seem to bind everything together and obscure a clear sense of connectedness. At times this happened almost too much for my taste, with certain objects or phrases or events repeating incessantly, but the overall effect is good. I am sure it would frustrate some and deeply enchant others, but I found myself somewhere in the middle and appreciating it even when I wasn’t fully enjoying it.

a book that was said to have caused many suicide in Iran after it was published. the author also commited suicide.

i was reluctant to read this because of this reputation, and the way everyone said it's hard to read. at first i don't get it cause in the first chapter, the first few pages, i was instantly hooked. the writing was so beautiful, and so natural; it justs flows. the writing makes you have this certain understanding and empathy to our narrator. these are some of my favorite from the book:

'The only thing that makes me write is the need, the overmastering need, at this moment more urgent than ever it was in the past, to create a channel between my thoughts and my unsubstantial self, my shadow, that sinister shadow which at this moment is stretched across the wall in the light of the oil lamp in the attitude of one studying attentively and devouring each word I write. This shadow surely understands better than I do. It is only to him that I can talk properly. It is he who compels me to talk. Only he is capable of knowing me.'

'I thought to myself, ‘If it is true that everyone has his own star in the sky mine must be remote, dark and meaningless. Perhaps I have never had a star at all.’

'The thought of an afterlife frightened and fatigued me. No, I had no desire to see all these loathsome worlds peopled with repulsive faces. Was God such a parvenu that He insisted on my looking over His collection of worlds? I must speak as I think. If I had to go through another life, then I hoped that my mind and senses would be numb. In that event I could exist without effort and weariness. I would live my life in the shadow of the columns of some lingam temple. I would retire into some corner where the light of the sun would never strike my eyes and the words of men and the noise of life never grate upon my ears.'

i initially thought actually that this was a book about realizing something about oneself, knowing you're true self, etc. that's why it has the reputation mentioned and others described it as disturbing so i thought it's like that way. but tbh i just honestly don't know what i've read.

others described it as unreadable and i would agree. but not in terms of the language. the language is so simple, so beautiful, but the events? I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

this honestly just feels like a fever dream, a nightmare. even right now that i just finished it, i forgot most of what i've read.

most of the time i don't really know what i'm reading. when i was reading this, i was more focus on the thoughts of the narrator rather than what actually is happening. i read then reread cause i want to fully understand the emotions of our narrator. i haven't even noticed the first few repetitions because i was so engrossed with his thoughts. and i was so confused of the relationship of both parts AND i think it has this big reveal at the end which i don't even know what it is cause it was repeating and it's like you're catching your breath, especially in the last few pages and it was just soooo confusing. i'm still waiting for my irl to finish this so we can have a discussion. overall, idk what my rating is.