This was funny and melancholy, and now I’m trying to forget what it told me about menopause TT

 i am trying to bring out the mischievous side of me and be a little carefree with the books sometimes, picking them just because their name is “sandwich”. alas, but my choices land on the books that end up annoying the tuna out of me and earnestly provoke me to find a portal to that particular fictional universe and dump a pile of sand on those people’s wet swimsuits and then link them with a better couple’s therapist. 

this sandwich looked nicely toasted with plenty of filling, but biting into it, i discovered canned tuna (i hate canned tuna), mayo (i love mayo, but god forbid with tuna), and, for some reason, lettuce (something rescues the situation, at least). 

this is a snapshot of a family’s vacation week in a seaside cottage (i long for summer days, apparently), told from the perspective of our main character. Rachel, or Rocky, is 50-ish, with severe menopausal symptoms (i’ve heard the phrase “hot flash” way more than needed), recurring indignation over other people’s secrecy that alternates with her own anxious secrecy, and, what at first is touching, but then becomes a rather disturbing, an almost perverted obsession over her children’s bodies and her maternal instincts. i like the frankness that the author gave to Rocky, illuminating the topics of abortion rights, miscarriage, menopause and all that comes with it. we get to hear lots of thoughts that Rocky keeps to herself (or not - sometimes the words just slip out of her to other people’s confusion). however, with this character, i found myself annoyed at the repetitiveness of the same half self-pitying, half i’m-such-a-mother repertoire, it made me think “i do not want children, especially if i am gonna be like this” at least 15 times. i would have liked to see even a slight shift in Rocky’s perspective of her life within this week at the cottage. but i got more of mom jokes (yes, there’s a fair contestor to dad jokes now) than character evolution. 

outside of our character’s head, things are no better. every family member seems to have been given minimum one annoying quality. Nick, the husband, is my marriage nightmare; a man without any consideration for emotions, who defines his masculinity in terms of “taking people places/ fixing things/ being the one who keeps the cool head”. and also can’t get his sexual urges under control, like Rocky is there to be primarily “the mother” and his sexual partner. i’d rather live alone for the rest of my life than be with a man who cannot piece together the “i don’t want sex” and “my body is making me feel horrible”. needless to say, i was disappointed when Rocky would return to him and “feel his scent of home”. girl, it’s not a scent of home, it’s called being used to the smell. or maybe not… maybe i don’t understand something. or, actually, no. he did not understand something. and if people wanna say that he was so patient with her, gave her space, etc., erm, sorry, but not enquiring is not the same as giving space, and ignoring does not equal patience. 

as for Rocky’s children (Willa and Jamie, and Jamie’s partner Maya [who is not her child])… they are supposed to be 20-25 years old, but read more like pesky little teenagers. i wonder if maybe that’s a cultural thing, cuz if i spoke to my parents like that, i would be immediately reminded of my place. and i wonder again, where is that fine balance between growing more of an equal friend-adult relationship with your parents and staying their child? is that balance even desirable? anyhoo, something that could be explored in a different book, i guess. 

despite disliking the characters, i did find the book to be funny sometimes, though still not as funny and witty as recently read Heartburn by Nora Ephron. i enjoyed listening to the descriptions of this seaside town, the typical resort place, with its little shops with swimsuits, souvenirs, old bookshops, magazine stalls, seafood, seagulls, sharks (ok, maybe not the sharks), fossils, ice-cream… i usually get a dissonance from reading events in a setting that is seasonally drastically different from where i am, but this time i loved being transported to the summertime, practically hearing the waves hitting the shore and feeling the sand between my toes. for that, i am grateful. 

i think this could hit just the right spot for some people, and may be a good beach read (if you don’t mind shedding a tear or two + see content warnings). the book does justice to relishing family traditions, the atmosphere of a family holiday (one kind of it, not all families are the same), and the puzzlement of seeing your loved ones age.  

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new interest unlocked: books about complex family dynamics (but please, with better-developed characters) and the first-hand account of menopause. and maybe more seaside vibes! 

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link to dissertation: couldn’t help but think how Rocky’s mother suspecting Parkinson’s was something the mother wanted to hide - i wish to see more of detailed exploration of sharing diagnoses (n/a so much in this book) within a family and the emotional processing that takes place after such big change. 

A quick but poignant read encapsulating the joy and grief of motherhood, and a thoughtful navigation of children and parents growing up and growing old.

Outrageous. 
That fact that she aggressively accused her father about grandparents death in concentration camp. How was it possible to think it was peaceful death in some place that has the same name as concentration camp?! Beyond me. Her rants about depression during and after pregnancy- they are not remotely funnt. Considering the fact she totally accepted and praised the girlfriend of her son on her carefree sex life and attitude towards consequences of her sex life - she should never had kids at all. Awful story.

This was a fun Labor Day read. It is short and as a mother in mid-life, it felt relevant to my thoughts on summer vacation. I haven’t ever been to Cape Cod (but we have been to Martha’s Vineyard and Newport a couple of times) and I loved the vibe of this annual summer tradition… including the making of sandwiches for the beach. I thought it was apropos how the main character also identified as being in the sandwich generation - between her parents and her children.

The book takes place over the length of the week and shows what unfolds each day of the week.

It isn’t just a saccharine book of memories. Rocky also remembers some difficult pregnancies and lost pregnancies (be aware of triggers) as she considers her children and her marriage.

There were so many quotes I loved from this book:

“They’ve been coming here for so many years that there’s a watercolor wash over all of it now: Everything hard has been smeared out into pleasant, pastel memories of taffy, clam strips, and beachcombing. Sunglasses and sunscreen and sandy feet pressed against her thighs and stomach. Little children running across the sand with their little pails. Her own parents laughing in their beach chairs, shrinking inside their clothes as the years pass. They’ve been coming here for so many years that there’s a watercolor wash over all of it now: Everything hard has been smeared out into pleasant, pastel memories of taffy, clam strips, and beachcombing. Sunglasses and sunscreen and sandy feet pressed against her thighs and stomach. Little children running across the sand with their little pails. Her own parents laughing in their beach chairs, shrinking inside their clothes as the years pass.” P1

“It’s so crushingly beautiful, being human,” the mother sighs, and the daughter rolls her eyes and says, “But also so terrible and ridiculous.” And maybe it’s all three. This one week.” Ch 1

“But first: the epic making of the sandwiches! I complain about this part of my vacation life, but I love it, and everybody knows this.” Ch 4

“I would pick this life too, I know. I’d even pick the way that pain has burnished me to brightness. The pain itself, though? I imagine I’d give it up if I could.” Ch 4

So my life with a teenager! 
“There might be Laffy Taffy wrappers and Dorito bags on every surface when you wake up in the cottage, a whiff of something funky in the air that maybe isn’t only hormones and sweat. Is it weed? Is it an actual skunk? Nobody knows.” Ch 5

“It’s so annoying the way women have to do all the hard things and take care of everybody and pay attention to everything all the time. And then be soft and open and f***able. It’s infuriating!” Ch 8

“Menopause feels like a slow leak: thoughts leaking out of your head; flesh leaking out of your skin; fluid leaking out of your joints. You need a lube job, is how you feel. Bodywork. Whatever you need, it sounds like a mechanic might be required, since something is seriously amiss with your head” ch 15

“I want to behave badly and be immediately forgiven. Or maybe it’s not that I want that—it’s just what I do.” Ch 15

“We just keep showing up for each other. Even through the mystery of other people’s grief. What else is there?” Ch 16

“Why do we love everyone so recklessly and then break our own hearts? And they don’t even break. They just swell, impossibly, with more love.” Ch 25

“But grief was like a silver locket with two faces in it. I didn’t know what the faces looked like, but it was heavy around my neck, and I never took it off.” Ch 28

“I make a mental note to rearrange my heart—to make a little more room for the changing realities.” Ch 38

“And this may be the only reason we were put on this earth. To say to each other, I know how you feel. To say, Same. To say, I understand how hard it is to be a parent, a kid. To say, Your shell stank and you’re sad. I’ve been there.” Ch 39

“Maybe grief is love imploding. Or maybe it’s love expanding. I don’t know. I just know you can’t create loss to preempt loss because it doesn’t work that way. So you might as well love as much as you can. And as recklessly. Like it’s your last resort, because it is.” Ch 43

Made me laugh